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  phase 3: chaos kai nomos


Category 2: Inclinatio

Section Index

  1. How Can It Be
  2. Limbo
  3. All My Thoughts
  4. Dialysis III: Syllogy IX: Broke Down

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  Subsequent Pages - Poems  

Phil John Kneis:
Eichwalde, October 25th, 2000 - P#137

How can it be
When she enters the room
That everything now
Gets bright

How can it be
When she smiles at me
That lost are the sorrows
The fears

How can it be
When she talks with me
That gone are the things

How can it be
When I hear her voice
That all other noises
Just fade

How can it be
When I think of her
That lost is my sleep
In the night

How can it be
That I love her so
And all other things

October 25th, 2000

Phil John Kneis:
Eichwalde, November 20th, 2000 - P#138

Nothing gets done
Nothing aspired
Nothing now dreamt of
Nothing can hold -
One thing alone
One issue left
One issue pounding
Hurting deep down -
Everything twisted
Everything turned
Breakdown approaching
Broke down then almost -
I'm seeing so clearly
Nothing obscured
What theory once
Now kills me inside -
But change things, I can't,
The words have been spoken -
And while there is doubt -
And hope not yet cold -
I'm dying within.

November 20th, 2000

Phil John Kneis:
Eichwalde, November 22nd, 2000 - P#139

All my thoughts
Just you concern
All my thoughts
In you converge
All my thinking
Knows your name just
All my yearning
Points to you
Nothing else
Can stay important -
Nothing else
Here matter can -
Just the thought of you
Now drives me
Just this thought
Keeps me alive.

November 22nd, 2000

Phil John Kneis:

Broke Down


Eichwalde, September 26th - December 27th, 2000 - P#135

also available: a print-optimized version (PDF, 76 KB)

Rated R




All so hoped for
All so ventured
All intended
All invented
All invested
All so dreamed of
All so planned for
All it all
Broke it down
Broke apart
And smashed right down so
Fell apart
And down the gutter
All just went

Don't you hope now
Don't you dare
All now lost
Darkest fare
Darkest longing -
Tired but
Tired so

All so longed for
All so dreamt -
To shadows went
To nothingness
And empty all
Inside just so
Broke it down
All's apart
All in theory so feared
Obfuscated once so seemed
Now invades it
Shaking soul
Shaking thought
Shakes it all
So smash it down then
Grasp it
Drop it
Face it
Stake it
Broke it


Drums the heartbeat inside so
One it is, the second missing
Second's gone
Seconds gone
Seconds so
Destroy the hopes
Destroy the path
Destroy the prospects so much longed for -
And down it all
And falling still
And falling into deepest pit
And blackest darkness spreads its wings
And bleakest terror up now risen
Deepest dreams their fright reveal
Dreams deep down the nightmares but
Dreams deep down a primal fear
Dreams deep down now show their facets
Dreems deep down - to hell with them
And let the fire walk between them
Fire now their base to tear
Fire all my soul so shaken
Fire all - and fire red
Red like blood
Burning down, deep down this all
Not preventing deepest fall.

Past it all and not returns it
Past all questions long ago
Past the answers not - how could they
As they simply not exist
All so shaken deeply down here
All so ruptured what once one
All distorted, all's askew
Sight so shaken once anew
All the signs I saw were false
All the hope I carried, lies
All the dreams of future, gone
All the things that seemed once won
Won were just in false a hoping
All interpretations void
Lost it all - again - and fading
Lost the fight, the war, it all
Lost and not returns it ever -
Lost - but where the hell I go?
Where am I going?
Where have I been?

And hope so
Is gone
And not coming back?
So shallow it were?
So sweet just its taste
So lurid its smell
So near seemed its reach
And tight felt its grasp
But now
All so changed
All so altered
All so shaken
And not
Comes it back?
Yet hope is resiliant
And not likes to fade
Tremors it sends
Residues remain
Hurting back
Burning deep inside
And nothing then
Prevent it can
And nothing then
Will shut it down
Break it down
Break it!
Broke it,
Been there,
Done that,
Didn't work
Still it lingers
Still it haunts
Still it pounds deep down this all
Still so shaking
Take it back!
Give it back
I can't.
No one
Will take it
Everyone has got enough
That's the problem
Won't shut up.

Won't even listen
Won't comply
Won't - or can't?
No, won't.

They're driving nails inside my flesh
Hammering them through and through
Little ones, like needles almost
Smaller just
Can't find them so
To pull them out
Feel them still
And can't remove them -
All so twisted 'round and 'round
All so painfully involved
All the distance here gets lost
All the barriers so have broken
Crushed my soul in this sublime
The climax has fallen down on me
Broke it down
It's broken almost

And no daylight sees me here
Not a spark of sunshine
Not a single ray of sunlight
Not a distant, joyous mate
Structures long ago so broken
Fades the sense with every step
Language here remains my fellow
Words, however, seem to lack -
Not a tiny sense of future -
Not a little fundament -
Nothing now in this can hold -
I fold.


et face
quod potes
quod novum est -
quod novum es! -
quod novum eris -
novis tempestatibus nunc captus
novis tum negotiis plicatus
tempus erat
tempus fuit
tempus fugit
temporis sic vulneratus
sed nunc vide
climax fracta
haud intacta
non te portat
adiutare te non potest
non iam adest
captus es
animo defectus
et fractus es. [1]


For hope is a slayer
And cares not at all
And all in its path
Are crushed by its might
And thrown down their way
And start must anew -
And nothing remains
Too hard now this fall
Too tight was this grasp
Too much of a link
Too strong a connection
Too clear so this sight -
What's up, must come down
What's down, can't it rise?
Can't it grow?
Must it not?
Can't it not?
Should it not?
Need not -
It's already jammed up there
Nothing fits now anymore
All so crowded as it seems
Obstacles then built around so
Chances new, they wrong now seem
Chances new, so strange a lure
So strange an asking
Strange vocation -
Broken down too much inside?
Broken down - and can't come up?

All so comfortably dark
Nothing down here hurts the eye
Nothing down here fall then can -
Once you're down, you're free at last -
Risk it, take it, face it - not?
All the thoughts unthought unwind
All the mysteries now sought
All the questions need an answer
All the answers don't suffice -
And "what if" remains an option
Slowly now, the step regained?
Back on track - or an illusion?

Back the words just,
Backed by deeds not,
Back the mind,
The heart now cold,
Breakdown once
A game has been
Broke down now
Has struck too deep -
And in too deep
The thoughts confused
And fused together in sublime -
Behind all pleasures, pain just lurks
Behind all beauty, horror's seen -
And options all
Now fade to black
And nothing here
Seems like a track -
So where to go to? To take flight?
One path is wrong - another, right?
And choices all
Collapse anew.


All so hoped for
Broke it down
All so dared once
Smashed it down
All so dreamt of
Fall'n apart
All the dreams of future
All the slightest hopes
And A leads to B leads to C

And the prospects now so dim
And the spark seems almost lost
Hope regained - a thought so daring
Hope to find - so nice a thought
So sweet a sound just
And a dream
Too weird to dream

In time's own fire all to burn
In time's own fire all shalt turn
In time's own fire all anew
In time's own fire walk we will
And closure then
Somewhen to find
And dreams to come
May truth hold still.

December 27th 2000

Endnotes for this Category

15.2.4. BROKE DOWN:

[1] Wake / And make / What you can / What new is then / That new you are! / That new you'll be - / New such tempests in are caught you / And new matters in are bound you / Time then was / Time has been / Time is fleeing / Times then by art wounded so / Violated / But now see / Hear / Know: / The ladder is broken / Not intact / Doesn't hold you / And can't help you / It isn't there anymore / And you / Are caught / Caught / Your mind at loss / And broken you are.

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