POEMS GROUP 24: SAMSARA

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND I:

DIALLING PHONE NUMBERS
OF DEAD PEOPLE (I)

(see also: Part II)

For G.L.

when in New York
I instinctively took out my phone
to call my old professor
whose love for the city
was a love supreme
with all this jazz
and all this greatness
and the unparalleled amalgamation
the world reflected in the city
as this city is the city of the world
urbs urborum
a true cosmopolis

a city built
by the imagination
the ideas of all those
huddled masses:

the words of the city
in the city of words

such a powerful idea
explained to me
by my dear professor then

I remembered him
upon arrival
hearing the subway amble on
from Queens to Manhattan

I tried to dial him
his number was there
his sweet, loving face still there:

I know he is dead
But I cannot bring myself
to delete the number

maybe, from the beyond,
he would appreciate the gesture

see, the older you get, religion seeps in,
and to connect to all those dear people now dearly departed
the thought of an afterlife
is such a consolation

I hope he saw me
I miss him so much
New York's not fun without him
but somehow, he's with me
internalized
within my mind

January 12th, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND II:

ALONE FOR A NIGHT

alone
in the house
night has fallen
without remorse
the mind still races
there's no relief
there's not a refuge either
except the inner reaches of the mind

my love is far away from me
what some call codependence, I call partnership
and she is far away today
my night is solitary
missing her breath
her body
her warmth
her thoughts, before sleeping, on the end of the day
this connection so vital, that here to explain
is pointless to those
who've never been there:

this crazy notion of a soulmate
oft abused, oft ridiculed,
seen too much as a romantic dream -

it's real with you
you are the mate
my soul needs
to go on
in the night
in the dark
when all the poisons from the mud hatch out in my mind
you should be there

I should be there
when all the poisons from the mud hatch out in your mind
in the dark
in the mind to go on
your soul needs a mate, just as I do
I hope I can be it for you
still, after all those many years

attached we are quite
soulmates conjoined
in a world that's disjoint
disjoint
disjoint all over
and does not seem to care a bit:

in this cold, dark place
the little cuddle
in the night
so precious
to me
to you
but for me,
salvation

I know you need to be
far away
right now

I will wait
and attempt to manage
my insanity
as much
as I can

my love,
my life
go out to you:
so that you can know:

you are not alone

January 12th, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND III:

LIVING ALONE

It is the quiet that gets to you.

Sure, put on music.
Switch on the television.
Make noise.
Talk to yourself.
But in the end, towards the night,
everything switched off, it is just you.

Cleaning up at the end of the day for yourself.
Cleaning the kitchen for yourself.
So that you find it clean in the morning.

But it's only your approval that is sought.
No bathroom talk.
No bedroom talk.
No sleeping noises in the room with you,
even when you are wide awake.

Silence indeed has a sound.
It is the sound of your mind
going crazy day after day.

January 12th, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND IV:

CROSSROADS

am I at a crossroads?
feels normal, somehow,

the walls crushing in,
I am a foreigner in an alien land,
and sometimes, home keeps calling
rather convincingly

I have quite come to embrace this life
between two continents
at home in two spaces,
sadly not physically,
but still:

am I an immigrant - or an itinerant?
am I an emigrant - or an exile?

I'd say, I am neither
and these categories are quite
from another world
and time

yet still

it is aging that cannot be defeated
that cannot be ignored
and family is more
than the odd phone call or skype

where have I been?
where am I going?

January 12th, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND V:

I

say the angels
when they announce the birth of the savior
to the peasants

fear not

the clearest message
of Christianity

FEAR NOT

and if any one tries to scare the religion into you,

Fear Not, says Luke
and "there is no compulsion in religion", says Al-Baqara

how could we be afraid?

if truly you believe,
then our divine father,
carrier of divine judgments,
tells us not to be afraid.

everything else in religion
rather pales in comparison

II

it never ceases to amaze me
how self-professed confessors
of religious faith
can be so filled
with fear
and trepidation
and the urge
to convince others

true faith
should speak for itself
true faith
does not need to proselytize
true faith
reveals itself on its own

III

there should be a space
for an understanding of religion
beyond the conventional
beyond the confessional
beyond the mindless repetition of words

religion is a question
not an answer
but it needs to be asked with care:

religion
does not work
unless it is a devotion to life, to love, to it all

IV

we have
for good reason
gotten rid of all those little gods
fake little gods
with their little desires
little stories
little ambition
and exaggerated bits of humanity

Zeus is not a god, neither is Wotan,
bumbling idiots they all,
ruining the fates of their subjects
in their idiotic quest
for selfish understanding
and power

let us thus
recognize
that the new god
the all-god
the new all-father
must not be like this
but all-loving
all-caring
all-forgiving:

"Fear Not"

for if "God" is not good,
then what is the point?

V

you might well counter
that as mere mortals
our understanding of divinity
in all its aspects
would quite by definition
be limited

what we would deem good
could very well hold a dimension
of which we are completely
unaware
and what is good to us, in our limited view,
could truly hold
some potential for catastrophe

maybe it is all relative
maybe it is all a matter of perspective
but then
please
do a better job at convincing us

"god is good"
cannot work by fiat alone
but I side with Thomas:
I need to see truth
I may be just a measly mortal human
but for a human, I can seriously claim to be grown up
and I can expect
to be talked to as such:
not as a child

"do as you're told"
simply
is not good enough

VI

that does not mean
there cannot be divinity
or a sense of the sublime
and the fantastic
and wonderful
and inaccessible
and numinous
and mystical
and magical

there will always be something
unexplained
and beyond
all our understanding

and yet

we need to see
that knowledge is love
that criticism is love
that we are allowed to talk back
that we are not children
that we are grown ups
that we are
that we simply are

and the reason for us being
without any mythological layers
that very reason
whatever it is
the inaccessible
the unbelievable
the unapproachable
that which is always greater
that
in the end
is telling us:
fear not

because it is that
what we need to hear

January 12th, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND VI:

WORK-LIFE-WORLD

here now
I have to confess
I've met an enemy so persistent
so pervasive
so seductive too, I must admit

worklife
has forced me
to cut down on art

the world of work
has colonized the world of life

without a world of life
there can be no art

or it's very difficult

it feels I've missed the road for miles initially, then hundreds, thousands

I'm missing my (controlled) insanity
to counteract
the routine
the monotony
the monotone

And yet
not all is bad
I like my job
but I shall not ever by my only thing

there's only one thing about an artist, a poet:
a poet acts

for a poet to keep being a poet, there needs to be poetry
thus let there be words
flowing
shamelessly
boldly
defiantly
anyway

what is the point of life
if not
in the end
what you leave behind?

and even if you are just doing it
for yourself:
the point is
to do it

January 12th, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND VII:

UNLIMITED LOVE

If you cannot in principle love everyone, you cannot love anyone.

the faces
in the crowd
the many people
you see
young, old, sexy, beyond,
they're all just people,
and who am I to judge?

if I cannot see something loveable about any single one of them,
I would very well fit into
a culture of
tindering and
swiping and
superficial judgements

are you a believer in love?

should it have limits?

sex not, but love, by the way

the difference between lust and love
should we not stress
how we should love every one?

in principle?

I know that's hard to practice, even in theory -
I refuse to love Hitler, but his problem was the lack of true love -
maybe we need to learn how to love him as well
(I'm not quite there yet)

we need to see that
unlimited
radical
love
is what we need
to heal this world

as the world yearns for love
(or so I would hope -
sometimes, I am not so sure anymore.
does age make me more sentimental
or more cynical?
I do not know yet.
I suspect something in between.)

January 12th, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND VIII:

I HAVE A HISTORY IN THE WORLD

me, myself and I
that famous trinity of the self

am I just a strange occurrence?
here today, gone tomorrow?

Is what I do having any effect?
is who I am remembered?

do I matter, in the larger scheme of things?

I wonder sometimes
what this all means

and how it contributes to happiness
or even visibility

my cat sees these points and chooses to act
by licking himself

that could very well be
the right answer

to this conundrum

January 12th, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND IX:

PLANETARY NOSTALGIA

It's the strangest feeling
that you've come up to a point
where past matters more than future
and the present, sliding on this devious axis of time
sees very well
the number of days past outnumbering those to come
and the gravity of it
the realization - which is not new, but maybe emotional now -
makes you turn
the past
around
in your ever-busy head

there's no destination
that's visible:
that's wrong:
there is one
and we shall not talk about it
no matter how much it scares us
no matter how much it defines us
as points it
to an ending
not to be overcome

happiness
is a dangerous feeling:
it tends to glorify the past (there's more of it) than now

how can you possibly compete with this?

the age of nostalgia's upon us
visible for all to see
thrusting itself into our lives
violently so, almost or increasingly,
nostalgia
not just the personal kind
no, my dears, we've reached the planetary version:
we better remember
because memory
may be all that is left
stored on some contraption
at the end
of human days
on a laughing planet

January 20th / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND X:

EPISTEMOLOGY
A.K.A.
THE CONFIDENCE OF IDIOTS

how is it
we are so convinced
all too frequently
that we know something
that we well may think we know
but we don't
and yet
we don't see it

it is quite easy to doubt
it seems
if you are secure in your being
yet who really
is secure like that
just a cursory glance around your life
will bring you up empty
with that kind of
assumption

yet if you are not quite
secure
(i.e. when you're human)
(and I mean, deep, deep down)
(not the well-worn mask of smiles and strength projected)
(that confidence of idiots)
thus as you are not quite
secure
this insecurity
of knowledge
of what is what
of who is who
of why is why
of who am I and what and why
keeps crushing in
and crushing us down
in defeat
by the realization
of all-too-human imperfection
(original sin, some would call it)
(I won't)
(or maybe we should)
(but would it help)

who knows

March 5th / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XI:

CONSTANT

you're my constant
you're my anchor
you're my center
you're my heart

when life's little curveballs
are thrown at us once in a while
trying to dislodge us,
trying to test us

we need some constancy
we need some anchoring
we need some centering
we need some heart

when things seem that hope is all lost
that nothing is working
that fate has made up its filthy mind
and everything seems doomed to fail

let me be your constant
let me be your anchor
let me be your center
let me be your heart
just as you are mine

forever

March 7th / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XII:

BENEATH MY FEET

I can feel it
it's all over
like gravity,
nothing of me
can escape it:
this feeling:

the ground has become shaky
beneath my feet
it has started to shift
I'm already tumbling
in my mind
deep inside, the clouds all gather
as I can sense the oncoming storm
that will leave me reduced
to mere a shadow but
of what I once
so hoped to become
so hoped to be

being and becoming
are really not good friends
one is always jealous of the other
sometimes, it can even turn into resentment easily:
what you are and what you may become
depends essentially
on what you see as better
I can see myself becoming
something I had not seen myself before
(I'm lying, I had been there before, and don't want to go back)
maybe I got greedy
thinking, I could move beyond my station in life
but it ain't that easy
once down, always down, and better you hide.
I may have wanted too much
I may have hoped too much
I may have trusted too much
I thought I could become better - by abandoning who I was
now, I might be neither
and I must not become
what I cannot become

"turning and turning in a widening gyre"
the fates are circling me, dear William,
"things fall apart; the center cannot hold"
I know you know, but I need to avoid this

my instincts here
are hardly of help
as I'd really like
to curl up
somewhere
in a corner
of nowhere
and hide
and stay hidden
for the rest of my life:

that, surely, seems to be an option
if I were alone but
if not, how could I abandon others
and so the burden
the weight of my world
needs to be shouldered
but in a way
that makes me fall less
in the future

let there be
a reckoning
with my self:

and just find out
how much more
this old body can take
this even older soul can carry
when I am about to
understand
what life
is like
without the lies
the sugarcoating
the jolly smiles
and "how-are-you doing"s

you want to know?
well I do not trust
that you really do;

and neither,
that my callous solipsism
would not hurt you in turn.

damn us, we used to be happy, back then, in the Garden.
we had to know
we had to move on
we had to question
we had to hope
we had to aspire
we had to learn
how to
fail.

Suscipiat Dominus
sacrificium de manibus meis,
and so it begins
let the sacrifice, o Lord,
be accepted by my hands
but should I sing someone else's praise like that?
I fear, I'll just again be disappointed
and I don't have to
sell my soul
as well.

March 9th / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XIII:

GET A LIFE

"Get a Life"
some people say
quite
frequently

I'm all curious now
what is this life
that they are talking about
that you simply can get

and how would I get it?
who do I ask?
what does it cost?
what does it entail?

I understand,
truly,
I do,
seriously

March 18th / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XIV:

THE VOID

I am sitting in a room
in the dark

It's eerily quiet

it's night

I am just sitting here, pretending to be dozing off
but searching instead
searching inside of me

searchingly, I ask this question in my mind:
what will happen?

this quest to see the future
in times of uncertainty
surely
is understandable

and yet,
still,
no answer emerges

that the expected fact,
the non-response,
is met with its confirmation
is hubris
quite certainly

June 30th / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XV:

SPLIT MIND, SPLIT ART

I split my self in two
the artistic
and the other one

one can travel,
is easily transportable:
the other though is quite bound

the one may survive beyond me
if luck will have it
the other, won't

ain't that the conceit:

that somehow,
art
survives life

is art
not simply
megalomaniacal narcissism?

when people die
planets die
stars die
galaxies die
universes die

this little scribble
will survive?

sure.

is life one, art,
preferable
to the other, the real?

I guess everybody needs an escape

and hope dies last.

Blah blah
Blah blah blah blah
A-men,
and Namaste, I guess.

No more self-help books for healing the damaged soul.

No more empty promises.

But

maybe art
is simply
crying out into the dark, the nothingness?

the nothingness may not care

but we do:

so why not

and so it goes

and it goes

on

August 24th / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XVI:

DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?

Who

knows what it

will be
can be
could be should be would be

all this here is highly tentative
of course

what I know is
that I should know it

what?

won't that I don't
won't that I didn't

sometimes

does this make sense?

I have to hope it does!

Do I?
HOPE DIES LAST

Maybe

Maybe not

August 13th, 2011 / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XVII:

I SIMPLY CANNOT BELIEVE

I simply cannot believe
or put into words
how much I love you

and yes,
there would be many ways to reason about this

it should be impossible for two people to be together like this
but despite the fact that reasons exist ---
making love and devotion seem like illusions ---
or just as subjective ---

--- and yet

but I tell you
I do not know why
I simply do
love
you

and my love is crushing
my love can be jealous
my love can be insane:
but always ALWAYS will there be love
by me
for you

in sickness and in health
in good times and in bad
in joy as well as in sorrow

the promise of unconditional love
of support and respect,
to laugh with you and cry with you,
and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live
and even beyond

THAT is much easier for me to do
than anything else
in the world

I love you
- and that's how it is.

October 10th, 2011 / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XVIII:

IS THIS

is this
the way it is

is this
the way it goes

is this
quite all there is

is this
the way things work

is
the way to work

is this
where all it is

is this
the work

is this
all it is

this is?

October 26th, 2012 / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XIX:

EMPTY

so much to do
so much to say
so far to go
so long to stay
so long to work
so long to rest
so much, too much
comes crushing in
but won't come out
or can't
or shan't

I feel I am empty outside
while inside, I am exploding

how can this be:
I can very much see
but maybe
not want to be seen
somehow?

December 26th, 2012 / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XX:

UNHINGED

how
in a matter of seconds
a human life
can turn to its opposite
turn into chaos
once it was order
turn into hate
once there was love
turn into anti-sense
once there was sense:
how fragile
indeed
a mind
really is
(specifically with a human attached)

and how quickly
all's quite so unhinged
and the door to insanity
opened quite fully:

oh, what a piece of work
we are
indeed

December 16th, 2012 / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XXI:

PUNCTUATED EQUILIBRIUM

there are times of utter inaction
but business nevertheless
when I do not get to act
just to react
not to act
just to perform
and out of these
the equilibrium of mediocrity or ordinariness
is punctured
by an event
so strange
so uncanny
that it makes all these other moments
relevant
and necessary:

but without these punctuated revolutions
the equilibrium itself
would be quite
boring

December 17th, 2012 / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XXII:

DO NOT PANIC NOW

there is hardly any time left
for that thing you have to do
and the dates are closing in

sleep won't come except by special invitation
haunts you every moment so

texts transparent have become
you look at them
they see right through you
won't let them near you

it has to be done
it has to be done
it has to be done

little time

count backwards
use the countdown:

you know how much time you need
to be a prisoner to this thing

you know how much time you have
to be free

after

count the days
and make them count

December 16th, 2012 / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XXIII:

PARTIALLY

I am a poet only partially
I have another life
on the side
in the real world
the world that believes it's real:

on the other side though
language is power
and limits are few
and real
is only
what you want to be real

but really
I can only partially
ignore reality

conversely, though:
I must partially
see reality
as not quite all there is

January 3rd, 2013 / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XXIV:

AT SOME POINT

At some point

I must be insane

Where is it

Is it me
Is it in me

Is it in what I do
Is it outside what I do

Is it what I do
Is it what I eat
Is it what I breathe
Is it what I create exude elude demur

Somewhere

There must be insanity here

It just snuck right in

Why

Me

Who?

September 5th, 2012 / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XXV:

VIBRATING DISTANCE

a connection
can sometimes be broken up
temporarily
only
to be allowing for joyous reunion

love is a highly elastic band
with whole worlds in between them,
love holds all
in its enchanting spell
and the vibrating space
between us

March 12th, 2012 / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XXVI:

WHERE ARE WE

some times
a thing starts out
in minuscule
in tiniest ways

that could not then, back then, way back then, my Grandfather's Grandfather wasn't even born back then,

had happened

and yet:
it did

amongst all the statistical probabilities and counter-probabilities

hidden in plain sight (yes, this is a cliché, and I need it) (we need clichés (sometimes))

in the smaller scheme of things?

A river is flowing somewhere, a tiny one, getting bigger, buggering other tiny rivers, till they join the bigger buggery one which grows so big grows so big grows and grows and floods it all.

ain't this make a something quite
out of a perceived nothingness?

some where
some what
I am not quite there yet

some times
a thing starts out
in minuscule
in tiniest ways

and I am not quite ready to see

it

November 20th, 2012 / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XXVII:

BYPRODUCT

Sometimes
We think
We know

But we

Don't think
That we know

Just a coincidence
A byproduct of our being

Should we not always
Not know

Maybe we should
Shouldn't
Wouldn't

Sometimes

November 20th, 2012 / July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XXVIII:

THE COMMUNITY DELUSION

community
is overrated
is a fraud
too fickle
too intangible
too unreliable
a thing

you should not
hang your hopes
on something that ephemeral
that better stay ephemeral
and to too real
there's such a thing as too real
too many times
too many people
thought they could rely
and their hopes were hung
together with them at the nearest convenient tree
or they were chased out of town
their windows smashed
their lives destroyed
carted away
like cattle
to disappear
in the ashes
in some field
somewhere
where the rainbow never shines

talk to me
about community
and yes, it's nice
and yes, it's pleasant
this community of yours
a pleasant thought
a pleasant fantasy
a dangerous reliance
to other people

"hell is other people",
they (Sartre) say

maybe not always
have your friends
have your loved ones
have your community
your happy happy happy happy circle of friends
or "community members"

Julius certainly thought he had friends
he did not listen to Socrates
and Jesus had just given up at that point

friends are conditional

better know the conditions

the little ones
big ones
transparent ones
hidden ones
social ones
ethnic ones
racial ones
ethical ones
economic ones
construction ones
whatever ones
we've come up with before, throughout this all
whatever ones
we'll be able to come up with still

just don't you think
you're safe
ever

just don't you think
that the space between us all
does not mean
anything
at all

you would think
that you belong somewhere
at your own
persistent
peril

July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XXIX:

SOLITUDE

give me solitude
any day

solitude
is not loneliness

it is sitting
quietly
or in a quiet mood of contemplation
even solid conversation
with the one
or ones
you love

it is the awareness
that you are one
and that you're connected
and that you belong

it is a time
spent
with nature
in the appreciation
of your own smallness
in the larger scheme of things

it is your thinking
as your own person
not as a cog in the machine
or a drowned-out voice in a crowd
or as one many negligible opinions
or as someone to be saved
to be convinced
to be converted
by those who know better, they say

it is allowing you
to be yourself
to have your likes
to have your dislikes
to have your loves
to have your hates
and to question yourself
and to make mistakes
and to learn
without being forced
to convert
to a cause
however just they say it would be

solitude
is the antidote
to the crusade
to the craze
to the campaign
to the rushing and gushing
conniving, maligning
and call outs for war

let me be me
let you be you
and together
there might emerge a we
quite naturally

for this voyage
we're all on
is not forever
and in the end
we better be prepared
to be in solitude
and peace
with our selves

July 21st, 2019

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XXX:

AT THE HOUR OF THE WOLF

(see also: poetry reading video)

come, all doubts and questions come now
at the hour of the wolf
at the time of sleepless terrors
logic drifting into dreams so shallow
that some thinking still remains
yet all reason here is lost

failures fill this time of torments
symbols chase around in madness
and the mind, this strangest fellow,
cannot see a forward way:
goes astray, and fear takes over:
how I wish for sleep's own brother

doors appear that cannot open
writing will escape my view
as I try to scribble something
I'm aware it is for naught:
dreams too lucid to be soothing
for a monster lurks inside

come now though, I did invite you
just by needing rest and sleep
my foolish need to stay alive
invites this torture evermore:
insomnia's too nice a word
for this here spectacle at hand

and as I drift and drift now further
all that's hidden gets revealed
(quidquid latet, apparebit):
yes, this is a requiem
yes, this is the day of wrath
where fear beats logic every night

and when I lay me down to sleep
I'd hope the Lord my soul to keep:
but holds dominion here at night
quite something else that broke my soul:
so should I die before I wake
I don't know who my soul will take.

January 18th, 2020

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XXXI:

SERENADING NOSTALGIA:
RAGE AGAINST A TIME
OF CONSTANT CHANGES

Corvallis, November 5th, 2019 - P#726

everything changes
everything's in flux
nothing is stable
nothing can hold

how can you
live
in such a time
of impossible attachments?

how could we cope
with life such disjointed?

how I understand time travel dreams
to go back
to where you fit in
to where things still mattered
where everything
was in its place
and there was a place
for everything

and now

nothing is right
nothing has stayed
death and loss
the only constant
the only resource growing
in your life
till filled it is
with nothing
but death
and a heart broken
year by year
by the saddest realization
that sadness
will be the only thing
left
in the end

and no, I cannot sugarcoat this here
nor end quite on an optimistic note:
you know very well
how this all will end
and with that knowledge,
with so little time
at your disposal

wake
and make
finally

January 18th, 2020

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XXXII:

COMPANY

life tries to break you life tries to shape you life tries to make you you're not a thing

in so many little ways in so many little ways in so many little ways that can be broken

over

and over

and over again

yet, too
you're not that fragile either
and all that depends
on your will to continue
and all that depends
on your will to see

who's out there

who's for you

for whom it is

you're living your life
you're not alone
you're never alone
but sometimes it's difficult to see
that you are In company

January 18th, 2020

संसर (SAMSARA) - TURNAROUND XXXIII:

EXPOSITIO:
PROLOGOS
I. THANATOS / DEATH
II. ELPIS / HOPE
III. PISTIS / FAITH
IV. AGAPÊ / LOVE
V. ZÔÊ / LIFE
VI. EIRÊNÊ / PEACE
EPILOGOS

PROLOGOS

know
hear
see

and wake

there used to be
joy
there used to be
pain
there used to be
all kinds of feelings

some would call it
life

that certainly is true
and life, of course,
is what we all share
do we all care?

probably: and probably not: for who is that mythical "we"?

is there a truth in the we?
or is there just an I?

are we all just
all alone in the night?

is there not some sense
of togetherness? belonging?

should we live?
should we care?
should we care to live
at all?

while words are words and deeds are deeds,
they're intertwined quite dang'rously so
thus this little voyage
shall skimp along
'long the edge of Hades
and take a close look
at what is
could be
and should never be

I. THANATOS / DEATH

"there used to be"
never used to be
a productive beginning
a productive thought
a productive feeling:

nostalgia is a bad guide
to a life needing a future
needing a present
needing a will
to continue
to be:

there are quite lives
that are painful to live
there are quite lives
you'd never imagine
to live for yourself or for others:
that quite is true
and yet

'mongst all the atoms in the universe
so few of them
have bound
to make life
have found
to make something aware
of itself:
and if it is pain, it still is life
and if it is suffering, it still is life
and if it is broken, it still is life

now you can very much say
that life needs a future
life needs a prospect
life needs a hope
to continue to live:
and this, quite reasonably, cannot be denied

and life should be sovereign
life should be able
to make a decision
over itself:

and pain, though it's life,
and suffering, too,
may go well beyond
what should be desired
to be the sole future
that's truly still there

but if there is will
the tiniest bit
and if there is spirit
the tiniest bit
and if there is hope
the tiniest bit

what is there to lose
by still going on?

don't tell me of hell,
life can be hellish enough,
don't tell me of heaven,
for empty a promise is hardly a lure,
do tell me of life:
do tell me what's real:
and know, when it's gone,
your world dies with you

for you are unique
a world in yourself:
amongst all other things and beings:
and so ends your hope,
and so ends your will,
and end will this one
the only one of its kind

nothing and no one
is just like you
nothing and no one
matters like you
nothing and no one
replaces you ever

'mongst all the atoms in the universe
yours is the only combination
that's quite like you

'mongst all the memories in the universe
yours is the only combination
that's quite like you

'mongst everything that ever was and ever will be
you are unique
and uniquely important

know this:
a tree falls in the woods with no one to hear, it still fell
a tree grows in the woods with no one to see, it still grows
a tree spawns in the woods with no one to know, it still spawns:
you're never alone
not even in your darkest days
the spirit is with you always:
the universe cares
it made you
it sees you
it loves you
forever:

you are
the spirit of the universe
incarnate

it matters:
for it gave you from its matter
to form your body
for it gave you from history
to form your mind
and it gave you from its spirit
so that you have freedom:

you decide
to live or to die:
but know:
someone cares
and know:
it can get better:
fight - or flight - which shall it be?

you've seen your breakdown
you broke down some time ago
are broken down
and, yes, I see that:
but also see:
it happened to me:
it happens to many, so many, so many:
and also, do see:
this is still me
still writing myself
after all these years
still going on
because the alternative
was nothingness,
not salvation,
just nothingness

and a decision can always just
be postponed
for another day
so day by day
one day more
one more day
one more month
one more year
one more decade
one more lifetime
and life goes on
and pain turns to experience
and suffering to the impulse to help:

keep living
and darkness will get lighter in time
keep living
and you can always decide
later
day by day
year by year
life by life

and now
life in itself
is the thing itself
that pushes you
to just go on
that pushes you
to see
how it goes on
and when you finally go out
into the night
do so at daybreak
so that you'll see the hope
of a new day
as the hope
of new life
eternally

II. ELPIS / HOPE

what is there in life
that gives hope?

what is there around you
that makes you go on?

there's big things, for sure;
but are they reliable?

maybe it's the little things
that you can count on much more

but hope
is not utility

hope
is not something you simply can use

hope
is not something you acquire
in wellness seminars and mindfulness nonsense:

hope
is the practice
of hopefulness

III. PISTIS / FAITH

you do not have to believe everything
no one can ask that of you
you yourself cannot ask that or yourself

yet you can ask yourself
to have faith
not in some strange, unnat'ral being,
not in some unfulfillables
not in some strangest course of history

but faith
real faith
in life
in death
in all
around
the pleasure and pain all
the good with the bad
the joy with the sadness
the light with the dark
the yin with the yang
the all with the non-all
the one with the other
the other with the one
the all with the all
and all
is one
and all
is balance
and all
in faith
united:
a force
underlying all
a social contract for life:
faith
in the necessity
to struggle on
and see this not just
as struggle
but as gift:

for you are alive
as an act of faith by the universe
itself:

you are faith incarnate
hope made manifest
and love in the making:
so that death
and life
will be one and the same

fear not:
what an outrageous suggestion
as the world quite easily is fear-inducing
fear-invoking
fear-creating:
sometimes,
not having fear
seems a fool's errant if ever there was one

and yet:
fear not:
a suggestion
a command
a mantra:
not because there is no fear
but because there should not be

in the larger scheme of things,
fear's a waste
if it governs your days and your months and your years:
for you only have so few of those

faith thus
is always a faith against fear:
against all evidence in a world of horrors
you should be looking for the wonders
instead

IV. AGAPÊ / LOVE

you've faced up to death
you've listened to hope
you're considering faith
now open your heart
if open it isn't already

solitude is fine
and being with your self can be plenty relaxing
but what is life
if it isn't shared
what is a moment
spent in mere loneliness
what is a sight
if only seen by you
what is a sound
if only heard by you
what is a touch
if you're the only one touching
what's taste, smell, et cetera
if done all alone?

solitude is fine
as an aberration
a brief reprieve
from the madness
of it all

but solitude too
is best shared
as well

for no person
can be an island
just to themselves:
they'd drown
in the noise
of silence
eternal

love means
togetherness
love means
someone else is important than you yourself
love means
someone takes you seriously as a person
love means
that there is always going to be given
the benefit of doubt
the acceptance of fault
the forgiving of sin
the presumption of innocence
the assumption of love
of each other
absolute
and forever
and ever

only in love
are we truly human
whether or not we find it at all:
for sometimes, it has to be enough
to open your heart
and be the one yourself
that sees the world
as a lover sees
another

love knows no limits
it is ultimate in faith
contains all hope
transcends the fear of death
and leads us
to life

V. ZÔÊ / LIFE

you're an animal
first and foremost
the human is an afterthought

why, you ask,
would I say such an outrageous thing?

because we cannot seem to be happy as humans
we can only be happy as animals

we eat
we sleep
we have company
we have family
we have friends

we have precious little time
so we should focus
on what brings us happiness

nothing else
comes even close
to mattering
when your soul is at stake

VI. EIRÊNÊ / PEACE

nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing

no thing
no thing
no thing
no thing
no thing

not a thing
not a thing
not a thing
not a thing
not a thing

not a thing can
not a thing can
not a thing can
not a thing can
not a thing can

a thing can hurt
a thing can hurt
a thing can hurt
a thing can hurt
a thing can hurt

not a thing can hurt you
not a thing can hurt you
not a thing can hurt you
not a thing can hurt you
not a thing can hurt you

say no to the things that can hurt you
say no to the things that can hurt you
say no to the things that can hurt you
say no to the things that can hurt you
say no to the things that can hurt you

see all the things that can hurt others
see all the things that can hurt others
see all the things that can hurt others
see all the things that can hurt others
see all the things that can hurt others

see all the things that can hurt
you and others
see all the things that can hurt
you and others
see all the things that can hurt

see you and all others
see you and all others
see you and all others
see you and all others
see you and all others

all one and the same
all one and the same
all one and the same
all one and the same
all one and the same

face
face
face
face
face

see all the things standing between you and others
face all the things standing between you and others
see all the things standing between you and others
face all the things standing between you and others
see all the things standing between you and others

face all the things
see all the things
face all the things
see all the things
face all the things

all nothing
all nothing
all nothing
all nothing
all nothing

nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing

everything
everything
everything
everything
everything

see everything
see everything
see everything
see everything
see everything

see everything
become nothing
see everything
become nothing
see everything

become nothing
become nothing
become nothing
become nothing
become nothing

you and others
others and you
you and others
others and you
you and others

everything
and nothing
everything
is nothing
is everything

and everything
in peace
and nothing
hurts
anymore

EPILOGOS

to be unbroken
by life
is that not quite the ultimate utopia,
the ultimate hope and conceit?

here I lie
wishing for the pain to stop
for the healing to begin
and peace to set in
knowing but
very well
that to gain peace for my soul
is nobody's task
but mine own

hope now, appear,
stay with me always
render living what lifeless
hopeful what despaired
and help my soul
to find peace
even in the darkness
surrounding us all
always.

so say we all.

January 18th, 2020