POEMS GROUP 17: MEDITATIO

MEDITATIO - DEFINITION I:

SUM

Life's so bitter-sweet a journey
Darkest pain with brightest joys
All a mixture forms and unity
All's in me and nothing's lost
Every single part of me
Every aspect so abjected
Won't discard it, but embrace it,
Integrate it 'nto the whole -
History, my own, has made me
Soul and body here are one
Not a single thread escapes me -
Never more, and never must,
Everything I am right now
Makes me be, and makes me me,
'Tis either everything - or nothing,
Compromises won't be made -
And can't be made
The sum is all
And who I am,
Quis ego sum,
That's all in one
In chaos order,
'N order chaos
All the same
All parts in whole
A whole of parts
And all
Is one.

September 19th, 2001

MEDITATIO - DEFINITION II:

IMPULSE

So much believing
So much in trusting
So much in longing -
Now, all so gone,
All in shaking, in shadows,
In thoroughly broken an image
That used but to hold then it all -
But can't any more
And changes, so dreamt of,
Believed to be doable,
Now past it turns,
It turns now inside
And upside and down -
There's nothing here left
All outside, great causes
Can't tell me their story
For all into me
This now has to flow -
Communicate then!
And honestly so

No B.S., no lying,
No P.C. and all,
No double-talk here,
No stretching the truth for a message so cherished
Don't scream "Revolution!" or any such fuck-shit
Don't scream to me all your so neatly-designed
And so closely-trapped-minded
Ideologies here -
Don't want them,
They stink just
Of non-understanding
And stupidest lies -
Just one like the other
Named left they or right
Agendas there are
Agendas there'll stay
But call 'em that way
And say who you are
And let me say mine,
And listen, I'll too,
Or else, just fuck off,
My time is too precious
To be wasted by this.

There's so much to see
And so much to do
My mind must stay focused
My soul must be clear -
And now, don't you dare,
Try not to corrupt me,
To make me "believe",
Believe the lie
The fucking crap that's fucked up your mind
Don't waste a life -
Don't waste a soul -
The costs of that
Can never be paid.

So leave me alone
When your motives and thinking are rooted in schisma
Dichotomies lie
And maybe, just maybe,
I'm ready to say, to see it now clearer,
There's evil out there
And good its companion
But mostly, it's greys
And idiots mostly
Who don't understand
What impulse to follow
And what to deny.

September 20th, 2001

MEDITATIO - DEFINITION III:

ONCE

Once a boy,
A baby boy,
Crying down white, hollow hallways
Welcoming the world in tears
Seeing all with wond'rous eyes
Believing all
And trusting so
All so changed by now inside
Yet the tears are still the same
Hard inside now,
Hard a world,
Cynical a mind and bitter -
Cynical the world outside,
Bitter too - and not to trust
Trust your instincts just, confront
Don't you take it all for granted
Don't believe what's given so -
Once a boy -
And now a man?
With blonde hair, and a tan?
Do the time-warp
See yourself
Nothing's changed
Nothing will
Still you falter
Tremble
Fear
Innocence?
What would that be?
Once you're old
A boy to be
Again
Crying down white, hollow hallways
Welcoming the end in tears.
Once ...

September 22nd, 2001

MEDITATIO - DEFINITION IV:

TWICE

Not a clue
And neither hope
Just some instincts running wild
Questions knocking down my walls
Burning down all deep defenses
Pondering what can't be seen
How to answer without faith -
How to face what's unexplained?
To approach what can't be known?
Once, my answer let me burn,
Burn in hellish loneliness
What to say when all is false?
What to do when there's no path?
Twice to falter, would that work?
Would survive I or surrender?
Would it drown me even more,
Make me snap to what I fear -
Make me take a darker turn,
Even darker than what's now?
What's my line?
What's my response?
Clueless still,
All impulse lost
And hovers down
And can't resurge -
Do I live once
Or only twice?
And then, again,
Should not I just
Proceed and live
And not ad nauseam still grieve?
What once was wrong,
Could work it now?
Is twice a better road to go?
You only live -
One life -
Your dreams?

September 23rd, 2001

MEDITATIO - DEFINITION V:

SEEMS I LOST IT

Seems I lost it, haven't I,
Lost myself to strange vocation,
Lost in desperate places quite,
Lost my sanity for good,
Lost the things I took for granted -
Now it all comes down to me -
Just some strings here keep me safer,
Safer, but not safe enough -
Safety's nonsense, sweet illusion,
Everything can strike you down
Nine-Eleven - that's the date
Don't you see? It's just like that -
All the things achieved aren't seen,
Blindness reigns and strikes with terror,
Should I now crawl back to bed?
Should I fold and shut it off?
Shouldn't rather make a stand we,
Just go on, rebuild, and live?
Fear's an enemy within,
Hope and strength will stand against it -
Fear not, child, the end is bright,
Fear not, child, for someone guards you,
Hush now, sweet baby,
And take just a nap -
Tomorrow's a day
And yours will it be.

September 24th, 2001

MEDITATIO - DEFINITION VI:

DIMINUENDO

Thoughts once mighty
Silent be
Thoughts once pounding
Shall now cease -
Thoughts so cruel
Calm now down -
All an obstinance would be
All the flow of things destroy
All the buildup just confirming
Yet the truth can strike so sudden,
Can't be planned
Nor quite controlled -
While this is cast
And not quite chance
Why not confirm to fatum's dance
And just hold still a while
And rest
An anticlimax once again
To then unleash what's waiting so
But knowing what's at stake again
It's nothing but my sanity
And there's no place I'd rather be
Than this one,
Quiet, soothing, warm,
But hell's about to open up
To be unleashed
And be uncovered
That's the flow of things, you know,
Once a while, the harps must rest
And violins be put just down
And trumpets reign,
And bass and drums -
But just for now,
Let's keep this thought,
This quiet realm
And slower place
And hold it tight
And don't let go.

September 27th, 2001

MEDITATIO - DEFINITION VII:

REALITY SHOCK

Just when you've started to think
All's normal again
Just when you've gained some restraint
It'll hit you again
Just when you've started
To live on your own -
A tiny moment
That's all it quite needs
The balance is gone
Am shaking all over
And trembling in aftershock
Frozen, immobilized,
Words just lack sense,
Words cannot tell,
All is in dismay
All is in strain
Disharmony
Catatonic, almost,
For brief just a moment
And mere just a minute
The sight of her
Has struck me down.

September 27th, 2001

MEDITATIO - DEFINITION VIII:

EXPOSITION:

PROLOGOS
TAKE ONE: PREP
BREAK ONE: LISTEN
TAKE TWO: MUSIC
BREAK TWO: SEE
TAKE THREE: CURTAIN
BREAK THREE: BREATHE
TAKE FOUR: LIGHT
BREAK FOUR: SPEAK
TAKE FIVE: PLAY
EPILOGOS

PROLOGOS

verba capta
temporibus nunc praeteritis
facibus tunc innocentes
ex antiquo explicata
implicata sint
et altera
haeretica[1]

Chaos then is what there'll be
Chaos then the game at hand
Chaos then the masks to move
The masks to make
The masks to take
In order's unity all standing
Chaos - Nomos - all the same

Janus reign
And off we go.

TAKE ONE: PREP

/
And so it begins
And all that once was
Must seem now a shadow, a mighty old haunter,
A walker between
The night and the day
A dweller on doorways
And wand'rer through ages -
What climaxes were
Forgotten shall be -
What stories once told
Too old they, and timid -
And lost is their spell -
Remain they examples
Of what once seemed true -
But now, all to differ
To matter
To strike:
And build those a grave
That thought to reach closure
To frighten
To fool -
But don't you be fooled:
For all, too, returns
In different shape
In diff'rent pretensions
But same is the substance
How else could it be -
A masquerade this
And strikingly clear
This now has to be:
For vain is the thought
That all could be over
And new things could start:
Accentures are all
Rejuvenate this,
Demodernize that,
And new is the mask
Add new the appearence -
But old are the stories
And old but they stay:
As life is the same,
Inside,
And love is the same,
Eternal,
And innocence lost
And guilt stays a question
Repeat this, my dear,
Is all that we do
Is all that we can.

//
And so it is done
And all now that'll be
Is truer supposed
And wiser, of course,
A learned and keen tribe
And schools here are seen
And campuses bright
And libraries filled
And theaters sizzling
And cinemas full
And screens full of wonder
And music around
And networking all -
But all this is nothing,
For nothing it changes
And people the same -
The stakes just are higher
The conflicts too deadly
So educate what -
What then would you change?
The leaders so bright
Can often be devils
Bedeviled by wit,
Intelligence dark
Of no understanding
And empathy none -
And knowledge so worthless
And worthless a try
The people so clever
So cruel they inside
And cold they compute
And so it is done
And so has it been
So educate not
With numbers and facts
'Cause hearts here are broken
And souls filled with rage
And emptiness all
A nothing of terror
And horror the same -
And lies are the truth
And truths are but lies -
And break this you can't
You better still try
Yet don't you be fooled:
The foe is within
Of akin a breed
To cut through yourself
Then forced you will be
And so it is done
So where do you stand?
And where are you going?
And where have you been?

///
And so it will fall
And fall to the ground
And bitterness taste
And soon shall it stand
Alone so in darkness
And cold here so bitter
And bitterly frozen
And shallow and stiff
The masks now appear -
And held in the shadows
The shadows within
The truth here so captured
So prisoned, and strangified -
And alien form
With alien face
And truth as a goal
Too strange here a word
Too childish an aim
Unknown here, it seems -
To follow this through,
What then should it take?
Are ages enough?
Or centuries, rather?
Take eons, for instance,
Won't get there in time -
For truth always hurts
It always annoys
It never is seen
As kind revelation
And matter of pragma -
Instead, what you face,
Is faces now hardened
And voices inhuman
And bitter
And cold -
How dare you to speak?
Who are you, now tell me,
Respect now tradition,
Respect long-worn coats,
"The truth" they are called
And strong but they are,
Authority-filled,
So show your respect -
So show your revering -
I can't - never will -
For man-made those tales
By humans like me.

// //
Ain't human their touch?
Ain't breathing they too?
Or were, in the "past"?
Ain't they got a heart?
A soul and a name?
And human their thoughts?
So, good their intentions,
Concede that I may,
Acknowledge that even
And value their work -
But dead now they are
That don't make them holy,
And neither makes us -
And time, so irreverent,
Shall show them their place
And shows me mine also
So let them be silent
And let them return
To where they once came from -
For stories they are
And stories they'll be
Just like those of yours
And like those of mine
And play we the game
And put on the masks
And curtains shall rise.

BREAK ONE: LISTEN

Listen now
To words soon spoken
Music played
And thoughts unfolding
Fiction all
But does that matter?
Fiction just the mask applied
The world constructed
To be diff'rent
To be strange -
So what dreams are here envisioned?
What's the game, the show at hand?
What's the plot, the simple layer,
Superficial at its best?
What's behind? What motives lie
Bound by strange motifs and tell-tales
Hear now, walker through the plays,
Hear the words
And disbelieve.

TAKE TWO: MUSIC

/
On the strings and through the tubes
On the membranes, on the metal,
Fueled by currents some, most not,
Some have keys, some strange devices,
Most or all demand for hands
And some for feet, for extra features,
All together yet unjoined,
Terriblest cacophony,
Terriblest a soundmix aching -
Yet united and with plan,
Was there heaven ever nearer?
What's that beauty, what's that drive?
Where do all these feelings come from?
Is that normal, legal, right?
Musorgasms can be felt
Over over over here
Come again again again again -
Bliss now here the finest gift
And truest form
Of this religion
Of the spirit

//
Pan, your children have outgrown you
Dionysos, your spirit lives
And is so plentifully made
A gift to all
To all the senses
All the people
All in all
A god-like thing this music is
And god-like, we, can guide and make her -
And god-like, we, can here and live her -
Music is the finest form
The finest gift
And finest specter
Finest way to us describe
To make, what's abstract, clearer now,
To make a fiction into fact
To make, what's abstract, now concrete,
ta-ta-taa-ram.

///
Poets make poems
Photographers pictures
As do painters
Writers write
Musicians make music
Actors perform
Dancers dance
Architects build
Weavers weave
Makers make
Make the thing
And the thing makes you
In return
The music makes music
And you are the music
Made by the music
That made you at all
And before the music was
Before there was no music was
Nothing

// //
What key shall it be?
What rhythm to dance to?
What instruments play?
What style shall it follow,
How loud can it be?
More subtle? More pushing?
Or quiet, a break?
And pauses are music as well

// / //
And down still the curtain,
A red, Lynch-type feel,
So wavering, silently,
Calm from the outside,
Boiling within -
The blackest of lodges
Could just be behind
The darkest of dark
Or brightest of bright
So, eerie a music,
Or peaceful it be?

/// ///
The music will tell
It always tells
It always alarms
Or puts us to hopes
Yet sometimes,
May lead it astray us,
Deliberately,
May it not, dear?
And all seeming peaceful
And all seeming quiet
And all seeming nice
And roses the theme,
From all this enchanting,
All hell might break loose.

BREAK TWO: SEE

See now
The acts performed
The acts played out
The strange behaving
Or the known -
See it all
And let it come to you -
See the mysteries unfolding
See the scenes from past or present
Or the future, what's presumed of it -
See it all
And let it in
Keep it out
And think it through -
Don't you dare believe it all
Don't you see just prima vista -
See the source of all behind
See the mechanisms work
See the scope and game and ploys -
See it all
And disbelieve.

TAKE THREE: CURTAIN

/
When you're awake still
Say, after midnight, say, just like now,
Past 4 o'clock,
Is this the past day,
Or kiss you the new one already alive?
Is there a doorway, a line to be crossed?
What after midnight - ain't get it devalued
When just in-between it?
Not sep'rating anything,
Just stuff in-between, and ignorable,
'Tis just children's stories plus some tales of horror
That still talks of midnight evil -
Mostly though all evil things,
All those don't quite really care
If daytime, nighttime, evil stay they -
Can't the hour change a thing.

//
So the hour's not a curtain -
Yet it separates the days -
One date here, another there,
Yet where do I go to sleep?
Sleeping over things like sunrise
Working through a thing like sunset -
All the outer worlds negate I,
Time's my servant, I'm her slave -
Sleep I get when sleep falls over me,
When sleep falls me down,
Or help it I may with a cute little pill,
The curtain - for now - just down
Shall it strike
And strike me and press me
To ground me to sleep -
Whenever when.

///
The curtain has risen
Has started to show
To now then reveal
What hidden before -
Disclosure begins
And shall now reveal
The play it wants show us
The fucking charade
And mind-fucking games
That now shall ensue -
And where do I stand?
Where shall I retreat to -
Where shall I now rest
Or put me to sleep eternal -
The curtain has risen
Has now to reveal
And now to encase
The games that we play
The mindgames and tortures
Entrenchments are needed
Entrench now your mind
Protect now your soul
We're living in hell
And death is the savior.

// //
And death is the pillar
That holds this our world -
That holds these our games -
And lets us get out alive at the end
To truly live
We need death
To succumb to.
For death the only hope here is -
And death begins another game
Another stage
A different one
What we've here learnt
Shall bring us further if sufficient
Or bring us back, if more's to do.

// / //
vae victis vitae illae
vae victis nostrum causa
nostrum circensium et fallacium
vae iis qui non sunt
qui non sunt viventes
non audientes
non scientes
non credentes
non videntes
non quaerentes
vae nostris [3]

BREAK THREE: BREATHE

Sigh
Inhale
Take it all
To the depth
Take it down
Take the river to the source
Take the fundaments of life
Take them all
And see them through
Hear it now
Again, it's pounding
ta ta taa ram

Just not now
Now it's diff'rent
Wait and see
See and hear
Hear and taste
Taste the blood
The blood of life
The blood of art -
And so it was
All's now going faster so
Faster it and new direction
Follow all the broken paths
Follow all what's broken down
And broken still
And heal not will -
Not a chance
No single one
Break it down
And fall
Just do
Exhale
Die.

See the darkness
See the light
See the images unfolding
See what once unseen so was
See it in the inner eye
See it with the inner soul
See the place you came from once
See the place you will return now
See the place you are now at
See the reasons
Guess them
Ask them
Question them
And find the answer
Better quickly
Otherwise
You'll be dead inside for ever
Nothing here could wake you then.

Breathe the air
Breathe the spirit
Breathe the fire all around you
All inside you
Make it live
And make yourself
Make yourself a living being -
Make yourself a thinker, seer,
See the world
And see your self -
Breathe the world, and stand inside of it
Don't you flee
Do not escape
Do not the world discard or leave -
Don't you bite the hand that feeds you
Don't you feed the hand that bites you
Don't reject what gives you life
Don't reject what needs you living
Don't reject what needs your giving
Breathe in it
And breath you'll get
And breath you'll give
Give others life
And live you'll will
And live through death.

TAKE FOUR: LIGHT

/
Where's the source of it
The life-force
Where's the mind that holds it all -
Where's the light that shines it through -
Where's the carrier of hope -
Is it what some call a god
Is it what some call a demon
Is it nothing like it all?
What's the source
What's real
What's honest -
Don't you see?
The answer's here -
The answer's clear -
The source is here
Within each soul
Within each body
Within each breath
That's what we show -
Every pebble, every hair
Is the manifest of life -
All together, we're the one
All together, we're the spirit,
Manifesting here
And somewhere else.

//
Light's a force that needs no keeper
Light shines through through power innate
What can you see? Are shepards enough?
Are rituals all to think of at all?
But rituals empty
Performed by unworthy ones
Never can hold
Never shall stand -
Authorities false
And fake through and through
Can never make light
Can never inspire
Can never exterminate
Light in itself -
So hear those false teachings
That want to enslave you
And want to subject you
To structures un-human
And teachings constructed -
So hear them and see:
And think for yourself:
The Lord of this world
Does need not this double-talk
And needs not displays
Of assimilation
Hypocrisy all
And blasphemous piety -
For life itself's the only authority
The only worship
You can perform.

///
Don't you dare
Divide the people
Into "us" and into "them"
Into "worthy" and "unworthy"
Into "pious" and "heretic"
Into "followers" and "stay-aways" -
What right do you have?
What kind of authority?
Unholy spirit
Is all you evoke -
And falsest teachings
Of rightful beginnings
Make you a traitor
A falsest successor
To teachers of faith
To teachers of unity
All we are humans
All we are gods
All we are one
All we are sanctified
All we are worthy
Who do you think you are?

// //
Won't let you teach me your vision of things
Won't let you teach me your concepts of God
Of righteous religion -
You've got no idea
What you're talking about
And noone here has -
That makes us equal
We're all at ground zero
And all have to struggle
For truth and for light.

BREAK FOUR: SPEAK

Speak your mind
And don't comply
Speak your thoughts
And look for truth
And look for truth in places new
In places other than the old ones
You're als worthy as them all -
Life's within each single one
God's within each drop of life
Each drop is God en miniature
And those who call themselves chosen or blessed
Are just like all others who try to define
Who try to enslave
And try to encase
And try to define the own by the other -
There is no other
We're all the same
Inside and beyond
You are I
I am You
So speak like a prophet
You are one indeed
And speak like a pontiff
You are one yourself
And speak like a king
You are one like all
A god-in-the-making
And servant for others
You live for the others
You live for yourself
And speak
For the one
We all do.

TAKE FIVE: PLAY

/
You've seen it all
And heard it all
Believed you nothing really then -
And now to go on
And now to perform
And now to be playing
And now to be living -
That's infinite pain
And strains you forever -
But is there a choice?
A way to get out?
A way that's worth going -
A way that's worth risking?
The future's too strange
A thing too unknown
A thing too uncertain
And too much to ask for
So now, shall we play?
Shall set up the masks
And join
The dance?

//
Is not this a game?
A game like there's none?
And endlessly filled
With waiting and guessing
And noone here plays
A soundtrack to life -
There's noone to talk to
To alter the script
Or just shift the lense
And move somewhere else,
A new location,
Or enter new actors
Or speak the director
Or seek the producer,
The studio, all, -
Here's all unknown
And all to be done by yourself -
This is the game
Where you're both the player
And pawn of the game
So play as you can
The outcome's unclear
But cannot be empty
And must not be void.

EPILOGOS

Words disappear
Words cannot tell
Words can just guess
Can just approximate
Can just pretend -
And all that is said
Outdated the second
It enters the game
And start then anew
We must
All the time.

December 31st, 2001

Endnotes for this Category

17.2.8. MASQUERADE: