Phil John Kneis:
SYLLOGY XL:
धर्मः (Dharma) - MANIFESTATIONS XII:
Eichwalde, Corvallis, November 15, 2005 - December 30, 2018 - P#600
romance is dead, it is said
romance has been destroyed, it has been said
some of it, granted, can be quite pathogical
yet romance proper
how do you dare
dear cynic:
yes, love exists
I had despaired
I had cursed life and heaven and hell and more so
but love is real
and you need to find it
and you can find it:
Just as I have.
(I love you my dear; without you, I still see and imply you in everything I do)
1. BOWER BIRD IN DESPAIR
in the beginning
I was alone
I wasn't even a self
I wasn't even my self
I didn't know of the you
I didn't know of the possibility of you
I didn't know of the utter necessity of you
while you had already discovered me
: possibly a good thing: I might not have noticed you in my spiralspiralspiral of despair
yet I was alone
hoping
searching
building a web
an electronic nest
waiting
for someone
to see me
while I was
alone
you've heard of bower birds,
you get the picture
2. A MESSAGE RECEIVED
I had received
a curious message
from across the ocean
allegedly holding Atlantis
who had seen my nest:
and suddenly, everything had changed
very much so
3. COCOON
an empty cocoon
is not as warm
as one that is shared
sometimes,
you do not need the room
but hope
doesn't always die
it can, indeed, succeed
it has so far
and so it shall
the cocoon
will be warmer
soon
4. BERLIN
when we walked through Berlin
you held onto my backpack
I found that was somewhat odd
but immensely cute
no one had ever done that
with me
5. FATE IN RETROSPECT
in retrospect
this all seems so strange
all so unreal
all so wondrous
you know,
I do not really believe in fate
or destiny
or whatnot
and yet,
sometimes,
I have the oddest feeling
that things have moved a certain way
and that it could not really have been
any different
or maybe just,
in retrospect,
I can simply not believe
that there could have been a life
where you and I
would not have met
if this is destiny,
if this limits my free will,
I very much embrace it
embrace you
and whatever has led us
whatever has let us
come together
6. LOVE IS THE PROMISE
love
is the promise to share
what is the most precious:
your life
with each other
7. LIKE A TREE
somehow, this all seems foggy now
isn't it strange how our past selves sometimes doesn't quite relate
to our present:
and yet
it did lead us
to where we are now
somehow, I wish
we would have moved faster
our timing
in retrospect
could have been better
but maybe we needed to dance the dance that we did
in order to arrive at where we are now
time's arrow may be much less flexible
than we think
and love
like a tree
needs to grow
to continue to grow
so time
may be much more of a friend
and an ally
in that
8. DRIVEABOUT
during my driveabout,
I would be thinking about you
wondering
something had happened
9. A PHONE CALL
I felt the urge to call you
I believe I did call
and felt very comforted
by the voice on the phone
10. SOUTH DAKOTA
somewhere in South Dakota
cell phone service ceased
somewhere around the Corn Palace
I always knew
but I learned especially then:
I cannot really handle being alone
very well
back then, it was tolerable
besides family and friends,
there was just me
now, it is different
and the sense of an absent presence
can sometimes be much worse than being alone, it seems:
back then, I was missing someone in principle
and now, I am missing someone concrete
and special
maybe I really am still
on my driveabout
in the cold
but the thought of you
can keep me
warm
11. VOCABULARY
I believe
it was you
who taught me the word
"dingleberry"
12. MEN
men are
clueless
most of the time
maybe,
women can be too,
yet I have yet to witness that
13. SEEING YOU
I saw you sit there
waiting for me
I could not quite believe
I was there
in your company
I still
sometimes
cannot quite believe it
14. HAPPY AGAIN
I knew
I had met someone
very special
and did not want to let go
ever
I believe
I started to be happy
again
because of you
15. ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
you sent me an e-mail
with an air of assumed innocence
but I was not convinced
there was an air
of ulterior motive
contained within it
(I liked that)
it went:
"
Importance: High
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT
"
I saved that file
of course
for future reference
16. NOW
now,
everything was different:
I was seeing it all anew
because it was with you
our worlds had collided
and opened up
together
since then
17. ONLY THE DISTANCE
only the distance
is difficult
but such is life
and we've always been able
to overcome it
no doubt
has been able
to nest
neither regrets
18. WEIGHTED STATISTICS
I just read
that statistically
relationships do go through thick and thin,
or rather from thin to thick:
weight gain
as a consequence
of a shared life
of eating and convenience:
I guess, love, indeed,
leads through the stomach:
allegedly
all
ain't it strange
what kinds of statistics
can be derived
from life
19. FRAGMENTS OF INSOMNIA
I've been missing you
and my entire universe is crumbling
I am ambiening around
conversations with my room
I do not know what's real or not
well, I guess what used to be real, now looks weird, may be real still tomorrow
and the writing about it may remove its mystery
and I am sure another person's sitting next to me
a friend, I guess
making sure
I am not being a complete idiot
but my focus is on the you
clearly and fully
food helps in order to remind us that tactile senses need sensuous feedback
I just watered the flowers in the glass of sherry
now it looks as if a snake wants to emerge
looking down the emptying glass
I see schemes of forms changing, while people all around observing me
typing becomes difficult
I try to maintain coherence
(I know I am alone)
the room extends through the dark window into the outside
weird
a truest copy
completely virtual technique, but real nevertheless
just as my love
is relying on the virtue of the virtual to transmit me to her
I am
not a single man
but a collection
of various fragments
barely held together
but all agreeing on our battle cry:
calling for you:
because in this immensely disorderly work, me, myself and I, and all my imaginary friends,
that is the only constant:
first, I split my self in two
one self writes, the other not
now, I have my self split up much more
another person
over the ocean
has become so much of a key to me
that you actually are holding part of me
the part you'll activate once I am there
when I will be
returning home
finally
into the promised land
I, indeed, can only be what I am with someone else in conjunction
con-iug-atio
a joint submission
beyond the yoke of marriage
creates a phoenix from these ashes
soaring high
to hills of happiness
and spheres of achievement
and cataracts of kitsch?
well,
short story
shortened:
I love you
need you
want to be with you
and you love me (for the strangest reason, I'd assume)
this needs to suffice
to heal us both
and push us
to do the things that need doing
for this new, rejoined a constellation
to soon take place
20. JINGLE DRESS
you jingled
and I carried your Eagle feather
so you could dance
jingling
all the way
happily
at last
21. INTRA MUROS
after navigating
narrow streets
in the dark
intra muros
we sniffed our way
to a little bistro
in Saint-Malo:
and it was heavenly
and quiet:
a silent communion
of the worshippers
at the church of food
and we
would travel on
continuing
on our little adventure
22. TASHUNKA
driving through the Forests (!) in France
after having seen cows all so happy
unexpectedly
a sign
at the side of the road
"Tashunka"
uh?
well, we had to check
and arrived
at Le Montana
the European fantasy of the American Indian
appears to be
a self-regenerating resource
and it had everything
busts beads pictures books flags
and stuffed animals
(no stuffed Indians, just a statue)
yes, it is not just the Germans
who are crazy
Europe loves the Indians
we loved them so much
we came over and got rid of them
for their reality was mocking our fantasy
a continent, totally morally and politically corrupt, historically,
needs a fantasy
of complete innocence
and humanity
and a back door
you can find
where you follow the white rabbit
down in the hole
and emerge on the other side
back in the Garden of Paradise;
for this we need;
for this we have destroyed it here
at least your vision
gives us hope
to continue to believe
in the reality of
goodness
23. WILD STRAWBERRIES
and again
we sniffed out
the good food:
they even had wild strawberries
in Florence
(and a Cathedral)
(and more)
24. FROM SIENA TO ASSISI
I was sorry
truly sorry
to drag you away
from Siena:
but Assisi
was worth it,
don't you think?
25. THE ETERNAL ONE
when in Rome?
visit the parks
ride a wagon in the gardens
watch the pigeons
watch the cats watching you
eat Cannoli
see the churches
see the palaces
see the museums
and over all
see
that time can make both mortal and immortal
at once
26. MEMENTO MORI ET VIVERE
I was too far away
that time
to hold your hand
hold you
and carry you
even if you did not need it
this truest impotence
of not being able to be there with you
and yet
sometimes
life intercedes
sometimes
something else
there can be no real answer
to sickness
or death
except the answer
posed
by life itself:
the realization
that all life
is a being unto death
can invoke despair
and desperation:
and yet
memento mori
also reminds us to live:
even though it can be unbearable
at times
27. A NEW YEAR
I was able to join you
to greet the new year
I believe we went to Le Bistro
and had a gateau
amongst other delicious things
28. SOON
our hearts surely were given any opportunity
to grow fonder
through absence
now
it appears more certain
that I will be with you
soon:
the feeling is almost unreal
and the thought of the distance between us
dissolving
feels like salvation
somehow
even though I have to leave my home
I know
there will be a new one
waiting for me
and you
will be
in it
29. FRENCH CUISINE
the shortest distance
from Stuttgart to Berlin
leads through Haguenau
love, indeed,
is deeply connected
to what enters the stomach:
in France
they do know
how to eat
we
do
too
30. ACROSS THE SEAS
it is strange, somehow
that you can build a family
across an ocean
and sometimes,
in times of need,
it is good to know
that across the seas
someone cares
deeply
31. DISTANCE DESPAIR
I have written myself
into a corner
of despair:
too much loneliness
and death
and destruction:
I am in need
of something nice
and sweet
and you
I'm tired
of distance
of obstacles
standing in our way:
you're in my thoughts always
yet I am a compulsive communicator:
I groom by talking
(yet rarely pick nits)
(at least I don't eat them)
I
need
my companion
32. CATS
I am jealous
of the cats
sometimes:
simply to be
and always a way
to cuddle
yes, I do miss cuddling
it may not be very manly to admit
but I do so anyway
false pride
is simply
false
how I would like
to be able
to purr
I would do so
always
when I am with you
33. LIFE IS SHORT
we visited a town
named after a horse
named after the town of Coburg
we sniffed sea lions
snubbed at some sub-par pow wows
and ate ice cream at Florence, Oregon
and walked through Silver Falls Park
with someone now dearly departed
life is shorter
than you'd love it
to be:
this year too
would
pass
34. ALWAYS
I have you always
on my mind:
I am sorry if this bothers you
but you're just too cute
and just too perceptive
and just too interesting
and just too lovely
and just too geeky
and just too odd
and just too exciting
and just too adorable
and just too beautiful
and just too smart
and just too amazing
to be
ignored
and not to be bothered
by an inquisitive love
35. GOODBYES
au weia
my niece said
at the thought of me leaving
for you:
and some friends are complaining too:
but life is full of decisions
and sometimes you need to say goodbye
in order to be able to say hello:
and for the private life of us
to continue in closer vicinity
instead of having to rely
on the technological illusion of proximity
I want to be able
to hold you in my arms
and to be held in return
36. GROWING
I do not like
people splitting up
how could there be
unhappiness
when there was happiness before?
how could there be distance
when there could be love before?
how could there be coldness
when there was life a-blazing before?
I am always distraught
hearing such news:
and I promise
I will always work to prevent
my love for you to diminish:
it has always grown, it must continue to grow:
and however hard times may be
however far we have to be from each other
hearing your voice
seeing your face
makes me happy
beyond belief
I know I can be difficult at times
but never does this mean
my love for you has lessened:
and you need to tell me
what I need to be doing for you
to be happy
and content:
for as happy you make me
I want to make happier still
37. DEADLINES
sometimes, I am my worst enemy
sometimes, I surprise myself thoroughly
one thing
keeps me focused:
some one
helps me stay on track:
I am doing this for you now
yes, it will help me later
but I am doing this for you now
so that I can come over
and you can hold me in my arms
and tell me it will be ok
I am frightened
and distraught
and distracted
but the flight is set
the paper must be done
and I feel like I am on a predetermined route now
with just a paper drop to be made
I am heading
to you
with love
38. WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS
we went to see
so many places
many things
all over quite:
the past
is a reservoir
that doesn't quite
dry up
39. DARKNESS AND LIGHT
when you're alone
there's wisdom in cynicism
substance in despair
and darkness stronger than light
when you're not alone
cynicism feels empty
despair just temporary
and darkness is irrelevant
40. IN DREAMS
it's one thing quite
to be together
and have a life
and see and touch each other
but you're also in my dreams
a constant presence
a constant reminder
a constant comfort
of a partnership
in waking and sleeping
together
for this moment in time that's our life
we can dream
of love lasting
beyond
what we know
there are still
so many things
I want us to see
so many things
I want us to do
so many things
I want us to know
together
November 15, 2005 - December 30, 2018
| 
POEMS GROUP 23: Dharma
