POEMS GROUP 17: MEDITATIO

MEDITATIO - REDEFINITION I:

SHE'S FADING AWAY

She's fading away
The image of her
The sound of her voice
The sense of her presence
The wit she possessed -
It's going to nothing
And out of the darkness
And out of the void,
Ain't free I, myself?
And why shan't I be?
Am hurt still, of course,
But that's how it goes
And how it may stay -
The spell she exerted
Not broken just quite,
And won't be for ever,
But still, I can see,
And still, I can breathe,
And yes, I can stand it
And get to my self
And get my self back -
And now, in my mind,
The sense of her presence,
The sound of her voice,
The image of her,
It's fading away.

November 2nd, 2001

MEDITATIO - REDEFINITION II:

LET IT RAIN

A poem's coming up, I feel it,
Nothing like the flow of lines,
The flow of raw, unfiltered verse
Nothing beaths the strength of this
Every letter here a symbol,
Everything like painted dogma,
All in chaos ending seemingly
All so lost to thoughts unthought yet
Scripture here just painfull scribbling
Nothing here gets done in time
Not the lines here even hold whilst now I write myself and me
My companion's not yet come
Cannot fill the space and me
Words thus crowd me in just so
Crowd the space and take up breath
Crowd the words in
Just make room
Just make room

Peace declared a peace so lost
Peace is war on other level
Wartime crimes assure must peace
Light and dark, and good like evil
Have the burden of the past
The sins of the forefathers
Literally seen right here

All's coming down all the times
And filtering all
The world
Is made of blood
Bleeding itself
Burning itself
Deconstruction
Biological
Anthropological
Physical
Death
Never stopping
Peace just a game
Sweet a distortion
Lurid game
War goes on
At different places
Of the mind
Turning all
And twisting everything
All will eventually have died
And be reborn
To work the cycle
Once again
At higher stakes
But I am off
As now I'm dead
Inside just so

Missing
Missing
Missing her
And all the thoughts
Consumed again -
Aren't higher things here now at stakes?
Just fuck it all
Just one thing's real
The beast called love
Of torments all
The biggest captor of the mind
Let a tree grow
With hearts as fruits
Break them down
And smash them dead
And let it rain
Let it rain down
When the hearts are gone
Nothing then
Shall matter ever
Can matter ever
The gift
Is the curse
Is love

Don't you see it?
Don't you know?
So hear it now:
There is no hope herein
We're doomed
Without love
The mind is empty
And just with it
It's too full
Yet there's not a fuzzy fraction
Either yes or no - that's it
Are you dead
Or too alive?
And shan't you see?
No one escapes
No one at all.
So let it rain
And dance the dance
Dying
A thousand deaths
At once
Or else
Nothing
No one
No one at all
Matters

November 24th, 2001

MEDITATIO - REDEFINITION III:

INTO THE VOID

So now you have learned
So now you have seen
So now you have coped
So now you have heard
So now have you felt
This strange intervention
And see its own shape
And mysteries all -
Yet out of the void
The past has returned
And you in her grasp,
Shall shallow you be?
And bow to this game
This friggin' charade
Where honesty's lost
No answers have got I -
Just lies I received, or immature half-wits,
Or was it but worse?
Or even, just nothing?

So into the void
I'm screaming again
And calling for answers
And wanting so dearly
A heart to connect
But here, as it seems,
There's nothing quite new
Nor anything solid
And now am I moving
Just into the void
Becoming it
Embracing it
For if there is nothing
There can't be no pain

November 24th, 2001

MEDITATIO - REDEFINITION IV:

DOWNWARD SPIRAL

All dreams I once saw
Now down on me falling
And slowly encroaching
My self now inside -
The pictures so moving
And text filled with riddles
Shall strike me no more
Yet still can't resist I
And maybe, don't wanna,
Got someplace to go
Got something to do -
But now, what's the use?
Why feel I so empty
And senseless all through?
As time now gets wider
It shortened but seems -
And sleep, though much longer,
Can't give me no rest -

What's done isn't done
What's seen isn't seen
What's heard isn't heard
What's learned isn't learned -
And all's immature
And unfinished business -
All ends here are open
The sense not comes through -
And maybe, there's none
And all I am doing
Is preying on time
And blacker it's getting
And downwards a fall
A slow-turning spiral
But soon catching up
And downwards to go,
All things now considered,
At least it's direction -
So downwards it be.

November 26th, 2001

MEDITATIO - REDEFINITION V:

UNITY

Unity in disunity
Harmony in disharmony
Paths to go shalt not be passed
Deeds to do won't bear our name
I, myself and my own longings
Separate the one from other
Free you'll be when all falls down
When your mind must not still wander
For yourself the best to do
Is lose yourself - just rip it out
Soon the other things to do
All here joint in perfect disjoiner

All here in the places of the heart
The places of the mind of the soul of the spirit
Of the breath
The longing and daring and hoping and caring
Trying for
Did you know?
Breathing
Seeing
Crying
Speaking
Dreaming
Things this now denotes
This now becomes - - -

Greater might now seems to call here
Call and make the path a swifter one, a brighter, lay beleaguered
Lay a this - and move a that -
But never, this-that unison
Always just a strange communion
Strange companion of the mortals
Neither-nor beats right and wrong
And it's brightly so a path
Yet right here,
Makes sense in all,
And sure in truest form
Is none -
And if there's none,
It's none of pain, a none of self -
A none of terror, battles, strife -
And Lotos now the flower be
The way to follow -
Still we seek

November 28th / December 3rd, 2001

MEDITATIO - REDEFINITION VI:

HUSH NOW

Hush now, sweet baby,
To dreams now succumb,
To dreams now thine thoughts lead
To dreams sweet and kind
And sleepily, almost, doest see you the world,
Just one final time
Before sleep undoes you
Before it will reign you
And lull you deep in -
To dreams so deep down
No heart can come near them,
No heart never shall -
For masks then of dead
Amongst just the living
Are drawing us in -
And breaking us down -
But hush now, sweet baby,
What shall we but say?

November 29th / December 3rd, 2001

MEDITATIO - REDEFINITION VII:

TIME HAS STOPPED

Time has stopped
Has ceased to be
Has ceased to flow
And ceased to live
To give me life, to me enchant -
In stead, from hell my days seem sent -
From utter chaos' outer limits
Down deep down in these dimensions
Knowest this: the end is now
It has arrived
It has a face
It has a name
It has a date
It has a never ending spell
Will stay for ever
Achieve its end to break me down
Or help me rise -
Which way of these to choose, that's mine,
That's my own course
And my own curse
And my own doing
My own res-fucking-bility
What a what a what a what a
What a what a what a joy
Fucking joy a fucking dream to live in it and suck it out
And taste its inner fluid core
And dig it out
And feel the pain
And feel the cold the cold inside
Shall I now break? Just tumble, fall?
Shall never end this hurtful spell?
Is this my life? Go fuck yourself
Is all I here just seem to hear
But why's that so?
There must be more
There must be more
O, just let go, and leave me here,
And leave me here to die and rest
And rest in pain
There must be more
There must be more
There must be more
There must be more

January 21st/22nd, 2002

MEDITATIO - REDEFINITION VIII:

EXPOSITION:

ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE

ONE

And the story is that
And the story is that
And the story is that
And the story is that
And now started it has
And has started already
And is flowing already
And is dying already
And is telling already
And now started it has
And now started it has
And the feelings that were
And the feelings believed
And the feelings not lived
And the feelings denied
All now hitting so back
All now striking all down
All now hurting and striking and frelling this up
And just frelled now this all
And then nothing returns
To the state it once was in
To the story that was
The story that is
The story to be
The story is that
The games have been played
The words been exchanged
The battle ensued
The blood has been spilled
The structures collapsed
The stories have ended
The stories began
The stories have fallen
The stories collapsed
The stories went down
Went down with it all and with all and withal
And the stories were lies
And the stories were false
And the stories were fakers and live now in all
And the stories were real
And the stories were truth
And the stories were prophets and live now in all
The stories that were
The stories that are
The stories to be
The stories that be
The powers that be
The story is power
The story is action
The story is working and playing it all
The stories are living and making us go
The stories just all
And stories just all
And stories we all
And stories we tell
And stories believed
And stories denied
And stories untold
Are one and the same -
In all flowing all
And caring for nothing
And caring for nothing
And caring for nothing
And caring for nothing
And building the menace that once so unseen here
That once but was seen
That once us was shown
And once us was told:
But did we believe it or hear it or see it
Or did we just think this as just an illusion
A strangest of lies
Of lies and distractions
Of workings undone
Of workings undoable
Workings unseen
Powers unwanted
Powers unmade by the will just itself
Powers not willed and disabled just so
Principalities fostered that elsewhen unwanted
Thrones overthrown just in fantasies dark
And dominions so crushed by the stories unfolded
The stories unfolded
The stories that were
The stories to be
The stories that are and that will be for ever
The stories the stories the stories the tales
And the tell-tales the hearts and the brains and the nothing
The nothing is all
The nothing is here
The nothing that holds it and folds it and ties it together
And ties it with all
And breaks it in time
And breaks it forever
And all breaking down
And all broken down in the times just so seen
In the times here unseen
The times here unbeen
The times here undone
The times now to fight
The future unwritten
The future enfolded in scriptures unseen
And scriptures that holy are written by man
Are written by man
Are written by man
Are written by men
And how shall we rule? And how shall we see?
And how shall we be?
And how shall we be shall we see shall we flee shall we creed shall we bleed?
Fight the power
Fight the stories
Fight the future
But happen it did
But happen it did
But happen it did
But happen it did and the story is that

TWO

No one here's supposed to see
No one here's supposed to flee
No one here's supposed to be
And what's the story?
And what's the theme?
And what's the action?
Where's the fame?
The end of love
Is what it is
The end of time
The end of all
And death inside is what keeps haunting you
A broken heart is what keeps pushing you
A broken soul in broken body
Broken stories just inside
Broken memories and broken all
Break broke broken down it all
And still it stands
I love you baby
You drive me crazy
Yea, fuck that now
And keep on going
There's death inside
There's cold inside
And cold outside
A season for living
A season for loving
A season of joy
A season of death
The story is that
And the story is here
And the story is all just around and within us
And the game's just begun and the stories are written
And we write them ourselves and we carve them inside
And we carve them and burn them inside just our flesh
Inside just our skin and inside our own heart
Just as slaves but we are of the stories we tell
Of the stories we see and the stories we make
And the time is the time is the time that we make:
And the place is the place is the place that we make:
And the paths that we went are the paths that we chose
Can't you see it or hear it or feel it just now?
Can't you do this and work this and work this just out?
Can you do it can you do it can you do it can you do it?
Can't you see it can't you hear it can't you feel it can't you live?
What's now the tale that important believed so and magic then felt so?
What's now the story the faker the maker the starter?
What's in this box in this black one this glowing and gleaming?
What's with the light and the darkness together
What's with the colors and shades and the bullshit around it
What's with the myths that so woven around this
What's with the judging the faking constructing and weaving of lies
What's with the blaming the naming the cursing the praying
What's with the endless enslaving encasing encompassing all
What's with the building of lies and the building of cages the building of pain
What's with the faky and phony imposing
What's with the trying to mission the people
To mission the righteous
To breaking belief
To breaking the faith
The capturing minds and capturing souls
The forcing the freedom in cages again
Subjuging the people and breaking them down
And make them believe
Believe the lie
Believe the tale
And live it all
And give it all
And turn into zombies and losing their lives
And turn against all that was built by the hopeful
And built by the living that not dared to fear
And all breaking down and distorting the stories
The stories that be
The stories we need

THREE

And the stories that were
And the stories that told us and pushed in our heads
And the means of dividing the means of subduing to subjugate all
To rule to bind them and lead them to darkness to darkness inside
And push them against just their hearts all within
And push them against all their brothers and sisters
Undoing the bonds that just held them together
Constructing the lies by destroying the truth
Distorting it all and hide segregation and hide just the past
And hide behind masks so well known and all seen
And caring 'bout nothing and burning the ground
The story is that
The story is that
The story
The what?

FOUR

Death here the bringer of truth just so final
Death here the bringer of stories all ending
And stories beginning but stories unchained
Unchained from the madness that all here surrounds us
And binds us to action that frees not the mind and frees not the soul
That binds us to bullshit and rules that don't care
And rules that unjust and unfit for this world
Just managing rules
And managing stories
And listening not
And seeing just parts out of fear of the whole
And where's the respect and where is the dream?
Am sick just of minds that feeble and small
That see not the picture that part of they are
And see not the story that makes them just slaves believing to rule
Just slaves of themselves enslaving the other
And labeling all
And boxing it in
The unexplained
Just give it a label
Just give it a name
Just do you pretend to know but a thing
But stupid you'll stay and cannot escape it
And cannot escape it the circle of life
The world that just plays and makes you a pawn
A subject self-made
A subject disjoint
A subject of stories it cannot control and can't even see
And the story is that
And the story is

FIVE

And the story is life
And the story is made
And the story is over
When over it is and when lay you to rest
Just when you believe that you've achieved just it all
Just when you're enjoying a closure an end
The end is illusion the end is a faker
The end is beginning but see it you must
And see it and hear it and grasp it and take it and make it your own
And take the power
Take the story
Take it
Make it
Smash it
Down
And write it anew
And think with the heart and don't ever believe that you're in control
And all here are one and the part is the whole
And the order is chaos is order is all
And all within all
There is but one sin: to waste any life
But stories have ended
And stories have fallen
And stories have broken
And stories beginning
Will never recover what once so was lost
And that what's inside
Inside just your heart
Reflects on the outside and mirrors in all:
And all is but one
And one is but all
This writing is over
The story is not

January 29th, 2002