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  phase 6: zêtesis kai hairesis

POEMS GROUP 23: DHARMAH
Dharmah - religion, life-code, way of good living, duty

Category 2: Advances

Section Index


  1. Narrative
  2. Romance
  3. Making the World
  4. The God Poem
  5. Beer Spill
  6. Musing
  7. Muse
  8. Hedgehog
  9. Old Obsessive Me
  10. Octopus Oraculus
  11. Hopeful Tick Crushed
  12. Wrong Quote
  13. Happen
  14. Valence
  15. Sin
  16. You'll Know
  17. ... To Call God
  18. Golden Calf
  19. Writers Non-Anonymous
  20. Reprieve
  21. Restless
  22. Animal
  23. Some Things You Know
  24. Autopilot
  25. Home-Ish
  26. Little Steps
  27. Civilization Fatigue
  28. Ain't It Strange
  29. Experiment
  30. Patience
  31. Maybe in Solitude
  32. Only the Energy Wants to Disagree With Me
  33. Higher Power
  34. Time is Creeping
  35. A Christmas Meditation
  36. Transience
  37. Always
  38. Syllogy XXXIX: Invariable Dissonance


  What's Related  
  Subsequent Pages - Poems  
 






Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES I:
NARRATIVE
Eichwalde, May 12th, 2010 - P#501


I guess it all depends
on how you begin
for you must know: it always
depends on the beginning

you may believe
in the malleability of life as you know it
you may believe
in the utter conspiratorial outlook of all:
as you, transparent eye-ball, see all:

you may believe
indeed,
you may believe
indeed?

I guess it all begins
with how you depend
lest we may guess: we never can
ignore quite the end



PJK
May 12th/23rd, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES II:
ROMANCE
Eichwalde, May 14th, 2010 - P#502


it may not actually be very romantic
to simply
confess
one's love

apparently, it may be much more complicated
in convoluted ways
proof must be brought up
for the ability to think convolutedly?

how I wish it could be simple
yet I am afraid
the entire reason is
our inability

to look into another person's mind
(or heart)
and to truly see
and to truly know



PJK
May 14th/23rd, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES III:
MAKING THE WORLD
Eichwalde, May 23rd, 2010 - P#503


in poetry
no boundaries
hold me
I can make the world
skies can be red
waters green
and humans humane

why do we
insist
on asking, scientifically,
for the one and only answer?
god comes in multitudes
whatever I might see
could it be?

I know
there is sometimes more spring in my blood
than winter: and I do know why
home
am I looking at a forest now, why
do I miss the open skies?

how about this:
a man is a god in ruins
how ruinous should I find this?
these words
do taste too shallow
and too rigid
in my mind

sometimes I do
see
something different:
the famous poet
I always wanted to hear
suddenly speaking at the same place and time
and I was there just accidentally
I know about randomness:
but do I believe?

maybe indeed the world has to be made in an image
that will leave both of us intact:
and lets us see:
should I come to appreciate
the magic of words over the precision of the measuring tape?
how long
is time?



PJK
May 23rd, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES IV:
THE GOD POEM
Eichwalde, June 8th, 2010 - P#504


there may be
in all our loneliest wanderings
nothing but desperation
exasperation
pain;
and dis-illusionment:
THE POWERS THAT BE ARE WRONG
THERE IS NOT GOD
EVERYTHING IS IN VAIN
WHAT WE THOUGHT REAL; NOW QUITE ISN'T
honey, dearest,
I agree: with qualification
the powers that be are wrong indeed
but there is a god
and nothing's in vain
what we thought real, was anathema to them;
they have a god all strictly described proscribed ascribed:
yet here, my dear, can you see:
god is not strict
he's the opposite of things in vain
he is real
but has no anathema
and he has no power
that is

god is
when you recognize
there's a something out there reaching to touch you
and the feeling, once that happened
can only be
bliss
eternal:
for
You Are Not Alone



PJK
June 8th/July 10th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES V:
BEER SPILL
Eichwalde, June 8th, 2010 - P#505


this is dangerous
the bottle is fuming
there's more coming out than initially projected
I unleashed it in a dangerous area
right next to my keyboard
have to siphon something off
immediately
hoping not too much
would be spilled
into the essentially systems
the rest now
I am hoping
to enjoy
on the path
to Elysium



PJK
June 8th/July 10th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES VI:
MUSING
Eichwalde, June 8th, 2010 - P#506


so long
I am in the loop
for art
I have been thinking
about abandoning her
yet art's the only God I can ever worship
I need to be free
and then, in freedom, I can see her face
and her loving embrace:
you need a god or goddess that is close to you
a concept merely will not fly
so now, here, I've found the essence of my muse
shall that now not
content me?
--- no, an artist is never content
--- always searching
--- always making
--- always baiting
the perfect opportunity
whatever
I see her
my muse
need to sign off
immediately
now



PJK
June 8th/July 10th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES VII:
MUSE
Eichwalde, June 30th, 2010 - P#507


you need to find
whoever makes you
see the world
anew
each minute
again:
otherwise, it'll be getting old real fast



PJK
June 30th/July 10th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES VIII:
HEDGEHOG
Eichwalde, July 3rd, 2010 - P#508


some rustling
in the leaves
you may not see the point
of caution



PJK
July 3rd/10th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES IX:
OLD OBSESSIVE ME
Eichwalde, July 3rd, 2010 - P#509


I can be
very insisting
on oh so many things

they're all important
I think

maybe

I should re-evaluate
their meaning

on the other hand,
maybe there could indeed be a point
of me being me



PJK
July 3rd/10th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES X:
OCTOPUS ORACULUS
Eichwalde, July 7th, 2010 - P#510


there's an innocent marine-based slug
the name is Paul
forced into a container
in the meddling West
of Germany,
Oberhausen,
to be precise:
Sealife
captured sea alive, that is
quite the little braniac this one
predicting
how Germany will play

today, he predicted rightly
the victory of Spain over Germany

some speak of paella
made of octopus
or even Calamari

I believe
we are still insane enough
to believe in oracles:
and we are still barbarians enough
to kill the messenger
that is also imprisoned
for life

what an achievement
oh, Paul, had you only preferred not to,
oh the Humanity



PJK
July 7th/10th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XI:
HOPEFUL TICK CRUSHED
Eichwalde, July 9th, 2010 - P#511


life
must be wonderful
thought the little tick
starting his life
finding a meal
so easy
to just dig in
a new life
full of promise and hope

I felt guilty
after crushing the little bugger
so much potentiality
innocently wasting away
had only he been something else



PJK
July 9th/10th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XII:
WRONG QUOTE
Eichwalde, May 24th, 2010 - P#512


I had to quote something
in the voice of a serial killer
American Psycho, to be
exact

I did not just read it
I typed it
and yet
still
while I hadn't done it
hadn't written it
just typing in
letters
of a
kill
made me feel dirty
guilty
by association:

who owns
the words?



PJK
May 24th/July 13th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XIII:
HAPPEN
Eichwalde, May 24th, 2010 - P#513


no matter
what you think you
know

once things happen
they
happen

and only an insane person
would think
they'd be in control

I know I wasn't



PJK
Eichwalde, May 24th/July 13th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XIV:
VALENCE
Eichwalde, May 31st, 2010 - P#514


sometimes
you'd like to cross over
to the side of meaning
to where you're no longer
peripheral
but on the imperial side
of defining
might:

the precedence
however
is looking rather grim



PJK
May 31st/July 13th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XV:
SIN
Corvallis, August 5th, 2010 - P#515


they say
there is sin
they say
there is atonement
they say
there is hell
they say
there is heaven

tell me
then
why would I
then
have to believe
all of this?

can't you just say
no one is perfect?
and why
this insane preoccupation with perfection
anyway?

I tell you then:
there is much more heaven
and much more at-one-ment
in feeling free
from the concept of sin:
for I
do not need it



PJK
Corvallis, August 5th/7th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XVI:
YOU'LL KNOW
Eichwalde, August 5th, 2010 - P#516


there will come a moment
when you'll know
you'll simply know
that you won't
live
for ever



PJK
Corvallis, August 5th/7th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XVII:
... TO CALL GOD
Corvallis, August 10th, 2010 - P#517


I am
quite certain
that I do not know
everything
there is

that does not mean
I need
an imaginary friend
to tell me
what to do:

neither though
does it mean
that I do not have
a desire
for transcendence:

but
whatever
I am comfortable
to call
God

is nowhere near
the blasphemous icon
invoked
by the avowers of
ignorance

I find
there is enough dignity
in life quite itself
and it is my sacred duty
to question all that is



PJK
Corvallis, August 10th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XVIII:
GOLDEN CALF
Corvallis, August 12th, 2010 - P#518


when Jesus saw the temple soiled
with goods for sale
desecrated
by salesmen
he threw them out

he was very specific:
it is not easy
being holy
when rich
in fact: rather impossible

when Moses returned from the mountain
he found them
praying to a calf
made
of gold

now: these may be stories merely
yet you don't have to be a believer
in order to understand
the gist of
it:

Cotton Mather knew it too:
the market-place
the street made of gold
Wall Street
ain't quite a Christian affair

tell this to the gold-diggers
and unholy rollers
and preachers of prosperity
talking in tongues, dressed in soft garments:
money and Jesus don't mix



PJK
Corvallis, August 12th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XIX:
WRITERS NON-ANONYMOUS
Corvallis, August 19th, 2010 - P#519


there is a certain masochism involved in writing
I do prefer to have written rather than
not

yet the deed needs to be done
before it can be
admired

maybe a sip from a bottle
can help me
sleep

even in my dreams
I'm writing - sometimes exclusively
there

(how, sadly, ephemeral such a dream -
do I though wish I could record it
sometimes, I believe my best work is done exclusively in dreams)

while I though unreservedly embrace the notion
that work needs to be done
and there's surely worse a ways to earn a living

do I write, maybe,
to earn not a living
but - maybe - a life?

and is
this
it?



PJK
Corvallis, August 19th/21st, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XX:
REPRIEVE
Corvallis, August 19th, 2010 - P#520


sometimes, there can be no reprieve
what happens, happens,
what must be done, must be done

somehow, this might feel oddly lucky
do we really feel better
if we are able to choose every thing, every time?

to choose or not to choose
momentarily, I don't give a jack
I'd rather prefer not to



PJK
Corvallis, August 19th/21st, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXI:
RESTLESS
Corvallis, August 12th, 2010 - P#521


how to rest
if your mind
can't stand still?

if your heart
continues to beat
unabatedly?

(oh, wait, I think I should want
my heart
to continue beating)

(I have seemed just now to
have been losing my
mind - I guess)

uncertainty
of what's to come - to be -
sometimes I wish for religion

an end to all questions
- maybe, sometimes, even
make-

belief
and false beliefs, false hopes
can at least, real or

not, put you
to
rest



PJK
Corvallis, August 19th/21st, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXII:
ANIMAL
Corvallis, September 27th, 2010 - P#522


An animal just needs
to eat,
to drink,
to sleep,
be safe,
have company,
and procreate.

Otherwise, ready to live.

What the hell
are we doing?



PJK
Corvallis, September 27th / Eichwalde, October 16th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXIII:
SOME THINGS YOU KNOW
Corvallis, October 1st, 2010 - P#523


Some things you know
some things you don't
what is needed
is an intervention
a cessation
of all that inhibits;
sometimes
you have to accept
the things as they are
and just
put
your self
into work:
the mind
indeed
can be an incredible thing
cheating yourself into happiness
via activity:
as it, sometimes, must indeed happen



PJK
Corvallis, October 1st / Eichwalde, October 16th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXIV:
AUTOPILOT
Eichwalde, October 6th, 2010 - P#524


life
can go on

a familiar surrounding
is all that is needed

you do not need
to be happy
in order
to live

I can sense a certain sadness
nevertheless, sometimes, there's nothing you can do



PJK
Eichwalde, October 6th/16th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXV:
HOME-ISH
Eichwalde, October 11th, 2010 - P#525


home I am
but this is not home
inside my mind, it all makes sense
perfect sense
in perfect a world
two places could be joined
just as two people can
and so, I wander
around
see your name
your face
your familiarity
all around
I call your name
yet to no avail:
talking with strangers I am
and sometimes, somehow, I feel I am sure
that I am driving somewhere else
some moments of portentous synchrony
telling me
you're always home now
your love awaits you
not far away
but close

in my mind
so many things appear possible
once they are
how can I be sure
they are
indeed?



PJK
Eichwalde, October 11th/16th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXVI:
LITTLE STEPS
Eichwalde, October 12th, 2010 - P#526


sometimes, I think I should do so much more
so much ---
yet if I do
I know it's unsustainable
and sometimes, you need to
know your limits ---
little steps
steadily
so that
occasionally
there can be
some
jumping



PJK
Eichwalde, October 12th/16th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXVII:
CIVILIZATION FATIGUE
Berlin, October 14th, 2010 - P#527


the strangest thing
mixed in between
an hour to get into the center of town
by train
walking back would be an odyssey
how can you think
with so many people around?
the homes
stony caves
ugly, mostly,
built in a rush
(ah, the beauty of times past
when beauty still meant something
and had not to cede to utopian machinations
of machine-men to come)
maybe they're here
tack all assembled
and vain
in vain
my attempt
to see through
feel a breeze
smell the soil
see the sky
the stars
the milky way at night:
this is not humane
a rat like I feel
caught in a maze
this laboratory for lobotomy
where people are grown
and perched on top
of each other:
how can I feel
anything but confusion and rage
these here aren't pleasant
smells
sights
sounds
I used to love it
now
what?

once this is over,
there will be ruins,
ugly ones

suddenly I realize the elegance
of submerging in nature
and leaving no trace

and yet, there is comfort
bribing me to stay

(I know I'm caught in a romantic fantasy
yet can't there be no middle ground?)



PJK
Berlin, October 14th / Eichwalde, October 16th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXVIII:
AIN'T IT STRANGE
Eichwalde, October 15th, 2010 - P#528


ain't it strange
how the world moves on
nomatter how you feel
nomatter what you do
nomatter what you want

nomatter how we try to
believe
we can change a thing
or that we are important
in any way:
the world keeps turning
time marches on
et cetera
et cetera
et cetera
and who are we then?
who am I?

I sigh
listen to the rain
and try to sleep



PJK
Eichwalde, October 15/16th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXIX:
EXPERIMENT
Eichwalde, November 13rd, 2010 - P#529


Isthisheremeorsomethingelse?someoneelse?
I am lost in a drug bringing sleep the truest drug
what is wrong with me wanting the occasional fix?
question inverted:
what is right with me wanting the occasional fix?
a fix it is:
it opens up
the gateways to my unconscious mind
and I need to let out my inner animus
animalium
in order to later rejoice in the humor
humanum
no crazy, no sane
nite nite



PJK
Eichwalde, November 3rd / December 13th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXX:
PATIENCE
Eichwalde, November 7th, 2010 - P#530


patience
may not be a human stronghold:
I'm jealous
of cats
always



PJK
Eichwalde, November 7th / December 13th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXXI:
MAYBE IN SOLITUDE
Eichwalde, November 29th, 2010 - P#531


maybe in solitude
the attitude of business
can cede
to that of contemplation:
all agitation
must, needs be gone
in an attempt
(vain, I assume)
to recreate meaning
in apparent meaningless
to find some answers
even though no one will hear you
and to somehow, find your self
that has gotten used
to another:

somehow,
all euphemisms cease to inspire
and the only thing remaining
is the urgency
of overcoming
the dreaded condition
of being alone:

at the very least,
this too
is
progress

no pain, no gain
they say
these sado-masochists
maybe I prefer my joy
more direct
and unambiguous:
yet, for an artist, how tedious
this must seem
and maybe, indeed,
in suffering,
there can be
salvation



PJK
Eichwalde, November 29th / December 13th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXXII:
ONLY THE ENERGY WANTS
TO DISAGREE WITH ME
Eichwalde, December 14th, 2010 - P#532


only the energy wants to disagree with me
saying, dear, you know none of this is real
why, how precocious so
and completely unnecessary:
I know of the illusory nature of myself:
I am quite my own putrid little illusion here
associations are what drives my
the descent into insanity
in the maelstrom of Poe and Glass
united: finally
how could I believe
that another life
is even possible
dum dim dum dim dum dim dum
and so and so and so and so
on
translucent glass
laid on top of our very own problem
maybe my problem
is not the writing as such
but the confusion comes from the content
maybe I am simply not content
my allusions are leaving me alone
allons-y? see!
how could Jack just now come in
the Doctor is in: in me, it's out-ish
allons-y see whether Jack Harkness can still love after having killed his nephew to save the world
wow, that's completely a tangent, an off-story, my story is nice
has to be nice
my story has to be nice
success needs be there
need to sleep
need to wake
need to go to work
all the things normal people do
and yet:
I AM NOT NORMAL
I THINK IN ASSOCIATIONS
BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED
AND MY MIND; THIS ANALYZING BITCH
KNOWS IT AND DOMINATES ME
I GUESS AGAINST THIS MASTER
EMANCIPATION WILL BE HARD
is my soul emancipated yet?
this here does not read like it finds a conclusion
(especially not, if you play Philip Glass' Descent into the Maelstroem to it)
(medication helps too)
need to seek sleep
the eradication of this all
or maybe, the nesting
sleep's building a nest
deep down my mind
in dreams deep down
the fire walks with me again
and see I will
what I want, need, must but see:
THAT I AM STILL ALIVE
and
THAT I VERY WELL SHOULD

so out of the regions that mean reasonableness
out of that corner of the mind that values peace and sleep
and employment
I see you
nod to you
you nod back (?)
in the affirmative:
the end
is near
the end
is here
ta ta
for now



PJK
Eichwalde, December 14th / Corvallis, December 14th, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXXIII:
HIGHER POWER
Berlin/Corvallis, December 17th/31st, 2010 - P#533


5 inches of snow
flight cancelled
airports are closing
5 inches of snow
basically, frozen water
standing here, amongst all this imposing machinery
and machinations of highest complexity
and energy:
5 inches of snow
ain't it a joke
on us



PJK
Corvallis, December 17th/31st, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXXIV:
TIME IS CREEPING
Berlin/Corvallis, December 17th/31st, 2010 - P#534


waiting for something to happen that will bring me forward
waiting
waiting
waiting
waiting for something to happen that will bring me
waiting
waiting
waiting
waiting for something to happen that will bring
waiting
waiting
waiting
waiting for something to happen that will
waiting
waiting
waiting
waiting for something to happen that
waiting
waiting
waiting
waiting for something to happen
waiting
waiting
waiting
waiting for something to
waiting
waiting
waiting
waiting for something
waiting
waiting
waiting
waiting for
waiting
waiting
waiting
wait
wait
wait
wake
wait
wait
wait
nowayout
?



PJK
Corvallis, December 17th/31st, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXXV:
A CHRISTMAS MEDITATION
Corvallis, December 24th/31st, 2010 - P#535


know I
seek I
show I
grow I
hopefully
full of hope
or full of
something
need I
now
a place to stay
that feeds my soul
or feeds my future?
hopefully, both
sometimes, sadly,
you need to compromise
it should not be in vain
and above all
this
(yes, dearest Polonius)
thine own self be true
lucky those who've found it
or not?

do I want
my own self
be all too clear?
need I certainty
or need I doubt?
(somehow, I can embrace doubt about myself
but I shall never be doubting you, my dear)

fear not
this is the story of Christmas
indeed:

hope
is what keeps us striving for lofe
and is not life we are seeking?

know I what I need to know?
seek I what I need to seek?
show I what I need to show?
grow I what I need to grow?

hope I?

I love
therefore I hope

and thusly, in love I believe

mÍ timeisthe - don't fear
for God is an innocent
both parent and child
and I, both child and parent
in the same footing
I love and will be loved
and fear is not here
nor ever should be
see you
a child is born
that means: the future is here

God or no god
angels or no angels
religion or no religion
the advent of a continuing future
is always a sign of hope: not of fear
in order to bring us life
so that we will have it in full
for all our time here
and maybe, beyond

hope
dies
last

and peace
be with you

p.s.
I, too, can be kitschy at times
you should never underestimate the nature of ironic detachment and criticism:
yet you should always too recognize
when to shut ip
and to listen
don't fear
love
is real
love
always
is



PJK
Corvallis, December 24th/31st, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXXVI:
TRANSIENCE
Corvallis, December 31st, 2010 - P#536


cannot stay
need to go

the truest hell:
an other-directed life

sometimes, I want to curse reason
and be content in passion only



PJK
Corvallis, December 31st, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXXVII:
ALWAYS
Corvallis, December 31st, 2010 - P#537


always
is a promise
a hope
a dream:

a state of mind:

I know there are things out of my control
yet I will try
and hopefully, succeed
to be closest to my love

always



PJK
Corvallis, December 31st, 2010







Phil John Kneis:
SYLLOGY XXXIX:
DHARMAH - ADVANCES XXXVIII:




Invariable Dissonance





Eichwalde, January 16th-20th, 2011 - P#539





ONE: A SADDEST DISTANCE



your love
should never
be too far away:


to split your life
you split your self
in two


sometimes,
this can prove unbearable






TWO: COMFORTABLE PRISON


here I go
here I write


this strangest moment of invariable dissonance


it may well appear
I do not quite know
what is meant
by real hardship:


what is, indeed,
designating
pain
(a scriptum non scriptum)


yet still:
I am fed
I am secure
I am loved
I am quite well:


and still:


I feel
I am living
in nothing else
but a comfortable prison


for I do know
it could be worse
(I've seen it)
(I've been in it)


I also know:
any comparison is flawed


and yet still:
my pain
counts for something
doesn't it?


am I not separated
from my love?


am I not caught
in an impossible choice?


I wonder
and hope
:
being human
should be
enough


for
ain't I a human?
should I not count
without being a number
and being
at
all?


I think I am done
writing
about this


words demand actions
in deeds


I feel
my brain's still switched on
while my emotions
are supposed t' have take over


I know
my emotions have taken over
while my brain
's supposed t' be switched on


ain't
thinking
grand


is
feeling
grander


I should
stop
'ere






THREE: MOMENT OF DESPERATION


I know I have all this stuff to do
I know I have all these responsibilities
and I am not trying to run away from them
I just --- need --- to express ---
in my moment of desperation


some things could go quicker
some things could be better
some friends could be closer
some aims could be nearer
in my moment of desperation


should I explain - but I cannot
should I express - but I cannot
should I unfold - but I cannot
should I unravel - but I can
in my moment of desperation



it almost feels that I should just give in to the impulse
for the closest thing for me
is to retreat into what's known
what has shown
to be working
at least, for the short term


that dearest friend
dearest ally
dearest avenue
of darkest thoughts:
depression
how I've almost missed you
and now,
should I invoke you, once again,
or should I stay strong
accept my moment of desperation
without receding into depression?


that all sounds very clinical right here
I know


maybe it should:
to remind me
that an embrace of depression
would be a descent into the maelstrom
the unpredictability of life
in its clearest
depiction:
for all is hanging in the balance
we may think we control anything
yet we don't


this, of course, anathema
to the political class
and the Hyacinth Buckets of the world
we need to be keeping up appearances
of order
and rigidity
and whatever else is expected of us
you know
that the show must go on
that the system keeps running
that the schedules be met
that there even is a schedule


I am eating something I don't understand
I am drinking something of which I at least know
it will grant me reprieve
a sacred dulling of the mind
or rather, a re-focusing
on what cannot be focused
on what cannot be seen
in the sober light of day:


this here
is an intervention
of the other kind:
a reverse-intervention
questioning the validity of the common cause
to control all that is
and to shape all that is
in its image
its, that's, the image
of
it
the godhead of the it-worshippers


IT has to be done
IT needs some more work
IT should be much better
IT needs so much supervision



superstition
rather


in the village of the rational
and the tangent towards productivity
and death


the sane one
is the insane one


the insane one
is the insane one


por ejemplo


sacrificing family time
for the mere chance of
doing some more
work
that ain't even mine
anymore



and I will continue to be desperate
and desolate
and de-x-ate
whatever
as long as it takes


maybe I am whining here
I should be more like a man
(with blonde hair and a tan?)
able to endure
able to inspire
himself
able to overcome
all these preventers


I'm trying
yet what I am asking
is:


grant me this moment of desolation
even depression
for it is mine
truly mine
and I need it
sometimes, I, too,
need to be selfish
need to be
need to
need
ne?


--


no, after my moment,
depression is no longer a friend



and I will have to hope
that a new day
is, in deed, anew


I need to go on


what other choice is there?



PJK
January 20th/February 5th, 2011





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