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  phase 4: holon kai meros

Pranah - breath

Category 1: Encounters

Section Index

  1. Streak
  2. Approaching the Unexplained
  3. Syllogy XXII: Ducenti

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  Subsequent Pages - Poems  

Phil John Kneis:
Pranah - breath (PRANAH) - ENCOUNTERS I:
Eichwalde, July 30th, 2001 - P#159

Nothing's alone
All's just so waiting
Panting to see
Yearning to grasp -
Unity then
A streak like below
A streetlight-like shining
And into the void
The light of the windows, peopled rooms
With that of corridors, streets mixing -
Streak of light - that's what comes through
From above, so bright a glowing
Bright the cities on their own -
All together
Forces flowing
Into one
Blue-white ball
Yellow sun
Whirl-wind milky way
How kitschy
Yet again
The streak gets through
Will survive
And eons pass
Centuries but here decide
Decades even, years in fact -
All so fragile, break it might
It all
And all events
Now silent be
And all to harmony succumb?
But that won't happen,
Fights go on
And all's in flow
In constant battle
Bloody, burning
All now turning
Sane goes mad
And madness, sane
Streak of truth -
In webs of lies.

July 30th, 2001

Phil John Kneis:
Pranah - breath (PRANAH) - ENCOUNTERS II:
Berlin, January 1st, 2002 - P#178

Frontiers old and frontiers new
Everything in strangest asking
Weirdest gravity exuding
All attracting keenest seekers
All involving newest thinkers
All enslaving hearts and minds
Taking on the tasks undone
The wishes aching
Dreams to dream
And things to grasp
Things to see and things to hear
Things that all apart now tear
Things that turn us into wizards
Into demons or enslavers
What's this spell - and who can break it?
Who can make it and unmake it?
Who's the puller of the strings?
Is there magic in this game?
Is there wizardry involved?
Are it simple tricks that fool me -
Are it spirits from another realm?

Where's the keeper of the gates?
Where's the key that fits this lock?
Is it me who has to find this?
Is it something unexplored,
Something new, unknown to us?
Something undiscovered still,
Something that's escaped our grasp -
Something that we've not yet grasped?
What's this ploy that forced me here,
What's this yearning deep inside?
What's this inkling of the heart,
What's the unrest in my mind?
Why can't rest I and lean back?

Why must wander I to unknown places
Seek the fire or the cold,
Seek the opposite of what I have -
Seek the opposite of what I love?
Why to flee the calmest safety,
Why to flee the games we've played,
The games we've known
The games we've won
The games we've made?

Why approach what's not secure?
Why approach what's not discovered?
Why approach what's not insured,
Why approach the unexplained?

Is this madness, false excitement,
Is this unfit male competing?
Is this just testosterone?
Where's the safety, where's the reward?
Where's the means to compensate?
Where's the path we could return to -
Where's the safety belt, the airbag?
Where's the bleeping sofa here?
Is this faulty apprehension?
Energies just spilled for nothing,
Old traditions spoiled by asking?
Won't we miss what brought us here?
Shan't we keep what's proven working?
Where's the pragma in going away?

Lucky those who know their way?
Lucky those who have a stay?
Lucky those who have it all?
Lucky all who know their stuff?
And know to shield their soul from all?
Lucky those who can rejoice
And can just lay themselves to rest
And sleep all sound, and finding it?

Where's the appetite, the yearning?
Where's the spirit of the new?
Where's the unruhe that pushs us
Where's the drive to just move on?

'T'wasn't sweetness that propelled us
'T'wasn't harmony that let us move -
'T'was the horror and the pain
'T'was the murderers and devils
'T'was the evil that competed
With the good inside of us -
'T'was it all that made us move
And keeps us moving
Approaching all the unexplained.

January 1st, 2002

Phil John Kneis:
Pranah - breath (PRANAH) - ENCOUNTERS III:


Berlin / Eichwalde, September 1st - December 31st, 2002 - P#200

Rated R






with all what's said been long now gone,
with all to come not touched the tongue,
with all once clear now left behind,

all's broken down and faith's no more,
with all now lost I had to say,
with times now calling, now anew
to recollect what once then flew
to mind to hook me up to them,
the quest is new as much as old,
I try to make it now unfold
what used to be enfolded then -
and will just be the same again.

and time that once a friend to seem
a foe's become and hunts me down
and cursed the days with slow inaction
that let me not keep up my pace
and make me doubt my inner substance
inner streak
and inner matters:
make it all
break down and vanish into null
nirvana not, just nothingness
and vanity seems like an option
what vain once thought now gains a weight
lets flee me into nothingness
a nothingness of fake a comfort
fake a quest
and fake a dream

am tired just
that words I wanted to speak
sacrifices became
time has swallowed them
patience lost just killed them off
and laments have been shortened
and all that to follow
just fragments became
and leading to nothingness
fittingly, somehow,
awaiting conclusion
and closure just, almost,
but there's none, and you know it,
there can't be, there won't,
there'll just be more words
and more combinations
yet what has been lost
can just be approached
but not be regained
let everything be over now
and start another page that's new
and old it becomes with words still so haunted
words still confronting the innermost battles
how could it be different
how could it be better
how could it be peaceful
for peace is no more

// //
so, see you the point?
and see you the theme?
it's all and it's nothing
a numbered occasion and counting my words
and counting my days
and counting on hope still which somehow has lost me
and now, can you see,
I recently got it, and finally, I understood,
you know, in the woods, Ghostwood t' be clear,
on the path to the Black Lodge,
when Windom Earle asks, "what do you fear this world?"
the Major replies, "the possibility that love is not enough",
I tell you, I cried, just recently then, 7 days ago, maybe,
when I found the same words in my mind
and saw that they were one and the same
but I wasn't quoting, had forgotten them,
I just found them by myself,
just like you find a monster you didn't expect to see,
and then, in shock, linked back they were, and I remembered
somebody had already gone this far
had seen the question I once, like Earle, might've deemed weird,
but now I've seen it
it's the only one that counts
and I cried again, a second time,
for it remained just a question, no answer was given, nor has it been found:
we stay in that fear
and still, we may love,
but, luv, does it count?
a third time I cried, for given the answer now just seems to be

// / //
and all seems like a distant dream,
but not a dream supposed to seem -
and dreams will fall, and dreams will rise -
illusion so the dreams comprise,

illusion may us take along
and fill the need to feel alive
the need to feel
to feel anything, anything at all
illusions, dreams, myths, all combined
they carry us further
betraying us, lying to us, telling us to be a good boy or girl
coming out of nowhere
and aren't what they seem
out of the shadows
out of the void where they belong
out of the night
they're coming out of the night

/// ///
and into the night so we're led by them
and into the night we keep calling
and from the night we may gain some hope
some sense of belonging
of quietness lingering
thus hurts us the light
and keeps us in check
reminding us of what was lost
of life that seems so peacefully, gay, flamboyant and joyous
hopping around in the grass of the meadows and giggling the kids
and unsuspecting happy ones in love, foolishly,
what lies beneath
what hidden remains
what can't be explained, and cannot be fought
and lurks not in places just abstract and dark
but comes to our hearts, revealing a truth that's not what we've wanted
not what we have been looking for
it's not confirmation nor laisser nous faire
it's coming to get us and just throw us out
and keeps us from living the sweet, happy dream
removes thus the day
the night will stay
and light is lost, may come no more

Act 1: Epitaphs




now, it's dark
I thought now it's over
her leaving and all
I knew it, accepted it,
made my laments,
eager just to be moving on
but somehow it hits me
she's gone for ever
I'm losing my love
and losing a friend
at the same time


show me a friend to talk to
I need someone
I cannot, any more, go on like before
I'm floating too freely
my home's the only place of constancy
the only place to feel safe
the only place holding me back
my work, somehow, too,
yet it depends more on me than vice versa,
and it'll be screwed once I am too
and I just feel
I'm about to crack
anytime soon

apart from family, some friends
everything has broken down
I tore them down
the governing fakers
I freed myself of external forces
trying to get to me, getting some hold of me,
getting control of me,
no church any more, fuck that shit,
I'm free at last
and neither some groups, they just demand loyalty
to causes corrupted and leaders unworthy
both just expect you to just play along
forget 'em, alright,
they pose to be helping you
pose t' have authority
but that's just their game
that's just their ploy
they just need some minds to play with, that's all


now, it's brighter
I'm out of bondage
cast away the hollow prescribers
the foes of the mind
and catchers of souls
who just want control
and all demand loyalty
cast off now I am
eager just to be moving on
but somehow it hits me
I'm outside for ever
I've gained my freedom
and entered loneliness
at the same time


so give me a reason
but don't look for reason
look for something that does have a substance
that does have some value
and does fuel my passion
and won't but repeat just the bullshit that's said
the glances so ignorant
and sniffings so arrogant
so give me a reason
that's true to emotions
and true to my feelings
and true to the nature of things as they are
so give me a reason
to just go on living
and just play the game
and just to move on
for is there one?
ain't heard it yet
ain't seen it here
and all the reasons that I know
are based on fear and afterlife
and don't you come to me with some stupid religion
I've been there
done that
I'm off that drug
'cause those just feed junk food and cater to dullness
so give me a reason
and don't you come cheap
and don't you pretend that I'm just some freak
and do, please, admit it
if feel you alike
and shared you my pain once
and see you the point
confront but your fear
and see you the vanity
see you the darkness
see you the pointlessness
see you the nothing that makes up our world
see you the void we're talking about
believe me, I do,
I'm not just pretending
and not just repeating
and not taking up some age-old dilemma just for the mere sake of it
it's true what I'm feeling
and, yes, I'm afraid,
you see,
I'm usually the one
to tell others to go on
to act reasonably
to think about it
and get over it
poor fool that I am
for it has struck me
and now I see it
and now I'm down
and can't get up

I ask you dearly
for I have no clue any more
tell me now, just what's the point?
what's the point of going on?

I cannot find sleep over it
am lying awake every night
can't find any impulse to do what I must
there's no one to talk to
and others too far away
I'm in this hole
this pitch black place
this darkest pit I can't escape from
I crave to be strong
want to be self-sufficient
and so, do believe me, I pretty much hate it
yet still, I need rescue
some other to save me
and see what I see
and feel what I feel
and know what I know
and joint then in weakness
some strength to be found
deliverance, even,
and faith just in life


I can but now just watch it here
for sleep will hurry now my time
and suck me back into its deepest fiercest grasp -
and dreams me confront, I know not who are they
who are we - and where?
the closets come nearer
the books just spring out of them, right 'nto my face almost,
and moving all
and moving the walls
and moving my self
and all those others joint with me
joint in the cause
joint in my body
crawling inside
crawling on top of me
I am the army
the army of one
and I am the general leading all of those belonging to me,
those who are parts of me,
down the tunnel;
is there then another key
another piece here desperately needed
to encode what sleeps in me so unencoded,
can't you see?
everything looks twice
everything under me moving
the bed becomes a moving beast
and me, my self,

I'm falling deeper 'nto the dark
'nto this pit of blackest night
a night that lets no sleep come near me
lets me just
stay wide awake
and let my worries overflood me
make a victim me
of thinking
of emotions still uncertain
and some other, way too clear

there's just nothing that here could soothe me
nothing quite
to shut it off
my mind, this analyzing bitch,
there's just no button I could press
just no sense to make of this
the rest I need
I just can't find
revolving just
around my inner paradox I am
ta ta taa raam


I love her so
I wish I wouldn't
it's unrequited, I'm a fool
but I can't help it
I can't fight it
it eats me up
and kills me inside
there's just no way
I just can't lie to myself that much
every word from her I seek
every glance at her is torture
heaven, hell, it's one, the same
am torn asunder innermost
and all my thinking must surrender
all my intellect is vain
for deep inside
there's just one feeling
just one impulse
that keeps me alive
and kills me slowly
at the same time
why me
why still
how can it be
I wish I wouldn't
it'd just be simpler for us both
I'm haunted so
it doesn't stop
be near she or far
may see I or not
there is no escape
and no solution
just how can it be
and why can't it be
and how to live
I love her so


where's the sense, I'm asking you
where's the point in going on?
what's this border not to cross
what's that word that makes you shudder
makes you frown in disbelief
and makes denial all your impulse
makes you shift away from listening
makes you turn away, disturbed, abhorred,
say, what's the point of all this evading
all this escaping the primalst of questions
the pressingst of subjects
and naturalst case -

we dance around in circles just
knowing how to keep the distance
knowing what to say, what not,
and let me tell you, you may know this,
that I'm about to lose that knowledge
lose that desp'rate drive
to not offend
and not fall out
and not appear to be a freak
for freaks we're all
I'm tired, I tell you,
don't wanna go on
don't just want to play this game
don't adhere to strictest schemes
and proven paths
proven by timidness, proven by lies
proven by all that lacks any drive
that lacks just the substance
and lacks the ambition to just find the truth
and just find the life
and just see yourself

and death's the thing that's so unthought of
so denied
and so taboozled -
but still, it's around us
awaiting us all
so why don't we face it
and why not embrace it?
when life has given up on you?
when life just feels like living hell
deep down, inside?
when nothing's real
and all's distorted
and all around you
all so fake
and all so gloomy
why not dare
I wish for death
just as I wish
for life to return

deride not the path you don't know
and see where it takes you
and follow it through
and rise
and wake


love's the essence
love is all
love's the one and only thing
the only force
to make us go
and reach for what our soul demands
without it, emptiness just reigns
and all we are
are empty shells
and empty caskets will be shown
empty coffins will be buried
empty epitaphs be written
six feet under t' will be kept
this emptiness
and lack of feeling

all the knowledge, all the thoughts,
all the painfully conceived
must stand in awe
and cede its triumph to this force
and there's no line that can't be crossed
and there's no suffrance not to bear
for love is stronger than the mind
and love us dwarfs to tumbling shadows
crying fools that serve just willingly
it makes the world the smallest place
and nothing matters
nothing stands
and nothing holds

for love, no borders can exist
nor distances, how far they be,
nor whatsoever things may try
to tell reality from dream

in dreams we walk
sleepwalkers, just,
dreamcatchers, always,
and dreams deep down
just hold the love
that can't be told
and can't be forced
and won't come true
and kills me still


nothing can hold
strength now is gone
logic has lost me
strongholds have vanished
stays my obsession
stays just my love
stays just the essence
the truth in behind

and love unrequited
still remains love
still remains something
transcending the structures
transcending the myths
and breaking the masks
the governing fakers
the castles all mighty
and fortresses strong
and powers demanding
and princes commanding
dominions enforcing
just cannot prevail
for love, indeed, doth conquer all

so show me the truths
that make up the world
so tell me the secrets
that make this all work
make sense out of senselessness
substance from void
angels from dust
and men out of clay
so show me the signs
and show me the portents
and show me the creatures
that claim t' be the truth
so tell me
I'm seeing
I'm seeing quite clearly
and listening carefully
my vision's enhanced
and truth and love, they're one, the same
for only love can truth reveal
and only truth will love make right
in truth, in love, shalt all be seen
and spoken of
and shalt be seen


and love and truth
they both connect
are one, the same,
and limits crossed
be crossed for ever
and eyes once open
must not be closed
must not obey the paths too narrow
and there's no guilt, no bad in seeing,
and tales of gods and greatest men
shalt be untold and truth revealed
and love's the lead
and truth's the spirit
and paths are multifold and plenty
they all connect
and are the vision to be sought


see the truth
and make it last
and make what's lost the way to go
and cut this lose
and cut you off
and let your heart
be hurt to death
so that it knows
what's done to you
what pain was caused
and who to trust you shan't again





am gone already
ain't been here for so long a time
am at another place
too far away, too distant a state
a distant state of mind
when see you my body
it's just a body
just like that
my blood stopped pouring long ago
the heart can't move it any longer
has stopped to beat, guess something's broken
there's just no sign of life in here
and heart and mind and soul and body
are floating somewhere in the void
connected still, or even more so
yet unattached to things now past
am sitting here
and sitting not
am breathing here
and breathing not
and what I see
is things so normal that it hurts
and things so falsely understood
and things so far away from sight
do they connect
or fall apart
or just connect
at different times
and different places, still unseen?
or just unmade, and hid from us,
realities unrealized
and pages written in an ink
that hides from sight
and shows it not to those who look
but just to those
who want by not wanting
who seek by not seeking
and live by not living?

and all the planets
all in alignment
all in their places
all in their spaces
given to them
provided them with those
the order but has
now chaos must reign
and take it from them
this tiny but link
this balance-inducer
kai chaos kai nomos
are enemies now
and nohow connected it seems
they just unmade
what once but made
that disappear
the bond that held them
the bond that made them
the bond that now forever's dead
ta ta taa raam
pizzicati please,
and pianissimo,
silenzio, possiblemente,
però più tardissime
ma cara,
e il tempo de descrivere
il tempo de scrivere letteras inanas
inanilocutores sono
nada, no, niente ms
o pi?
crack cracked cracked
crack? no, that's the wrong drug
sleeping pills are what now makes me
what now drives me
what compels me
to go on and on and on
and ta ta taa raam is the song


what's my task here but to write
what's it but to but disturb
the flow of things the flow of vengeance-seeking thoughts
deep down inside just dreams deep down
hush now, sweet baby,
whatever will happen (will! not may! or could)
will just be a dream a dream deep down
and once you see something
someone you know

it's just a dream, and nothing bad will come upon you and all pretty things are going to heaven my child, now hush hush sleep he may come home and play a bit don't you wanna play a bit with him sweetest innocence don't you love him shouldn't you then answer him shouldn't you be doing things even if you don't want to just as a proof of love o come on dear it's just an innocent game just some things you could be doing it's just for fun and happens almost in dreaming doesn't one usually dream weird things don't some dreams but contain things like that things that but a dream could be or better can must bestest should it should be dreams - - - and aren't they really dreams they are and dreams they stay and nothing else

and talking and speaking is not gentle an option kill it will you kill you inside kill you and maim you and tame not but make you a creature beyond any things you may've known or conceived of - - - so follow the reaper follow the piper the pied piper and wanna see and donna see?

oblitteratur tute
oblitteratur vir
litura remanet
remanet monstrum
animal sub-humanum
sub noctem
ubi fuis - ibi vadis

all in your knowing
all in your showing
all in your saying
don't see him you know?
days just in nothing - that's where he'll then see
and now from behind you
the cold hand of death
his red right hand
pounding your heart
stopping it
where is your breath
where is your soul?
where are you going
where have you been
it's just a dream
or happen it did?
just lynch this picture
fuck it all, and salt the earth

so just to remind you
of what you are reading
poetry's a big old world
and lot's been done and yada yada
lot's been written, lot's been thought
much more was felt
and turned into flowing cascades not of words merely
much more of things from inside of the mind
from inside the beast
the human soul
so don't expect images
crawling on the tops of each others
this is the raw
the unfiltered
the personal stuff
just barely disfigured to enter some tell-tales
or serious business talk
anyhow wrapped
anyhow crapped
anyhow rapped
anyhow now

two hundred
were written
two hundred
will come again

give me more
and make me see the things unseen and feel the things unfelt - - -
for art, for truth, for beauty, knowledges - - -

- - can handle u this?
don't care I, I tell u,
and so shalt it be
and Faust and Mephisto, Q and Picard, now shall appear
you've sold your soul?
't's been lost already
nothing there to be sold any more
I've sold the rest to art and truth
I'm selling just
what isn't mine any how, any more

see you the lights
approaching slowly from the darkness
so small they are, just dots in the void
appear out of nowhere
returning there, probably,
sparks, just sparks,
small ones, big ones, just doesn't here matter
they're just so strangely
looking like angels
looking like demons
looking like humans
all in disguise
appearances just
nothing to hold them by, nothing to know
nothing to know it for sure

these voices but now
hammering in my head
making me go
making me stop
curses they are
cursed they shall be


and love's a vampire deep down
sucks the blood right out the veins
and stops the heart and breaks it down
breaks it apart and makes it stop
for ever now
my soul's alone
it doesn't hear
the beating heart
it doesn't see
a fate beyond the loneliness
it doesn't see
a place just filled with wish-belief
and false assumptions all still haunting now
but now, they're changing
they don't now fill with hope the hopeless,
they don't now make it all make sense
they rather spot that still unhurt
and push the stake far deeper in
and hope is turning into specters
and seeks the path that's not to seek
and doubts the senses that once clear
and doubts the past and all that's been
and suddenly, I live in hell

and love's the slayer through the ages
hunting down who's on one's own
who not believes he needs another
and lives a life
just full and determined
till something decides
let's enter this heart
and twist it and turn it
and see just what happens
and make all to come
a story of stories
and fact becomes fiction
and nothing's now real
for all's now in question
and nothing's now certain
and everything's fallen
not into place
but just quite so out of it
and laughing sadistic'lly
for another one
has bitten the dust

but somehow now here
a notion appears
a pounding reminder
that nothing here matters
if not it is love
if not it is truthful
and if there's a soul still beating inside
the heart may be broken
the spirit still struggles
and wants now to see
what's out there, and why
and facts deconstructed
will fiction release
and structures once solid
will show now their face
and show now their emptiness
show now their yearning
to just to go on
and still to pretend that nothing has changed
for eyes once open
can't shut them no more
the hands have been called
and truth is the game
and the stories are seen


and the stories have been
and the stories have seen
and the stories have lived
and the stories have passed
and the stories have lost
and the stories have gained
and the stories have given
and the stories have taken
and the stories are told
and the stories are made

the sense but is hidden
the sense but is sacred
the sense is forbidden
the sense is a secret
the sense is important
the sense is too complex
the sense is too tricky
the sense is too lofty

salvation is promised
salvation is crafted
salvation is written in texts too revered
in texts too revered to be questioned and censored
and put into context that's changed with the times now
and put into frameworks that work for the many
and work for the truthfully loyallest followers
dividing the world into heathens and sheep

and see you the message
and see you the temples
and see you the priests all
and see you the volumes
and see you the scholars
and see you the robes made from finest of fabrics
and hear you the music that's begging for awe
and read you the letters that holy and aged
and see you the signs not
and bow'st not your knees
and gasp'st not in awe??


night's the worst time of the day
night's the time it all breaks down
and breaks apart
and keeps me blocked
in states so distant from what's life
and places I can't tell a soul
so give me a reason
to just carry on
for night's not just a certain hour
night's a place I carry with me
holds me tight
won't let me go
let go I want
and want
no more


and take you a breath now
and see for yourself
and see you the writings that showed you the path
and see you the words now
and see you the riddles
and see all conundrums
and see them make sense now
the brutallest one
and all's breaking down
and you're breaking down
and you have been broken this one final time
and all that you feared
and all that you'd seen
and all you were knowing but didn't just know
and were you afraid of just looking too closely
and were you too foolish to just open up
and just now be trusting and trust but your hopes then
and now, all's apart
and now, all's destroyed
and now, gone's the past
gone's the present, the future, it all
there is no future
and that what should be
just can't be enforced
and can't just be dreamed
or called by your tears

it rips you apart
and shakes now your body
making it tremble in fear and in knowing
if know you, there's nothing to hope or to seek any more
if know you, you've ended the quest and it's gone
if know you, you're emptier, drained of your purpose
if know you, you've lost all the reason to move

it rips you apart then
and makes you a creature afraid of the night
afraid just to go into bed to find sleep
for sleep just doesn't come any more
and haunted it is
and broken it is
and always reminds you
that still you're alone
just as you have been
and as you will be
we live alone
we see alone
we die alone
all the times

it rips you apart now
and makes you a creature afraid of the day
afraid just to see an image so haunting
reminding you dearly of what you have lost
and who now is missing
and won't but return
it's not in your power
your power is broken
your power's been taken
and you're now a stranger and strange are all places
and home is the place
you fear now the most


the story is that
the story is over
the story's begun
the story is killing and maiming and breaking me
the story is showing and knowing and writing me
the story is maddening, deafening, blinding me
the story is knocking and striking and fucking with me

and there's no return
and there's no recluse
and there's no rebuttal nor kind negotiation
for talks now are over
the terms are presented
and choice is not given
not given to me
not trusted with me
and trust is not given and all has been taken and taken away now
and words cannot tell it
and verses are empty and empty must be they
for empty I am
and emptied all
and taken from me is the blood just that drives me
and makes me go living in bright, fucking daylight
instead now I'm walking in darkness within
and day-time's a joke merely, day-time's a break just
a time just to sleep not but walk in my grave
a time just to not to lie down there and just show some movement
and see now, I'm moving
and see now, I'm walking
and see now, I'm talking
and know now, that zombies can do just the same

the story was that
it never was perfect
it always was skewed
and fucked up so bitterly, dearly and lovingly
all just so perfect in utter complexity
utter disharmony
utter cacophony
don't tell me now lies
don't say there was nothing and nothing at all
that simply ain't true
yes sure, 't wasn't perfect
and sure, we felt differently
but nothing at all? you know what that means?
and who now is innocent, who is to blame?
was all in my head just? and all just illusion?
was I just too stupid or blinded by love?
then why can't you talk with me
why can't you tell me a bit more explicitly
and maybe I've earned it to somehow respond
and somehow defend myself
somehow repair what can be repaired
and somehow just ask you to trust me, for once,
for what I now see
there never was trust
and always some barrier not to be crossed
and still, I can't blame you
and still, I'm the fool
and still, I'm too blinded to just to forget

the hell I'm now in
is darker than ever
and just will not stop
and won't just freeze over
it's burning me up
and leading me downwards
and deader than ever
I feel now inside


you're looking for sense here?
and think you can't find it?
and think you can't see it?
but hear you the truth now
for answers are given
and answers t' be seen
so see you, my son (or my daughter, respectively),
there's scriptures all holy
and men, and some women, who did some great deeds
and one of them even
is God's very son
this cannot be doubted
and cannot be questioned
for written it is
and once it is written
the truth it's become
not written by men
but written by God all with men as his tools
can't see it? or grasp it? you needn't believe just
it's catch 22
and answers in circles
that's what we present you
you needn't thus think
just follow the points just that we've all laid out
and be a good child and follow your shepherds
they know where to lead you
they know how to guide you
for you've been real bad
amends you must do now
for misdeeds and doubts, be yours they or theirs

you needn't just grasp it
you need just accept it
and not think it over
'cause thinking is wrong
who are you, self-rightous?
you think yourself better
or think yourself wiser
than millions of others who want to believe just?
ain't you just too young to be questioning us?
respect the authority
respect what is written
and think 'bout those others, what think they of you
you're chagrining us
and shaming yourself
'cause that's who we are
and we are the chosen ones
able to tell you
what's right and what's wrong


wither now
wither here
wither then
this life to be
the path to choose
and not to be chosen
and want while not wanting
and see while not seeing
and live while not living
and places now to one converge
and time to one point now reduced
and space-time is one and it's here and we see it
but something's missing
something's at large
in all those constructions
the truths seem encaged
there seems so much written just into the discourse
entangled, entwined, but then, just disfigured
and utilized all
but truth, itself,
can't find it in this
can't find it in temples
can't find it in teachings whatever what kind of
denied but it is
through all these authorities
trying to capture it for their own sakes
but show me the truth
the singlest and greatest
unwriting all others
the one just inside
the breaker of mindsets
but joiner of hearts
the one thing, the only
that shall set us free
but once it was lost
it may not return


once all's been said and all seems done
where's the point in going on
what's the sense
and what's the purpose
where's the thing
that push's you further
that keeps you just in equidistance
from what's death
and from what's life?
there's no rules to follow here
rules but now all empty seem
and fakest words
and fakest structures
show they just
the empty places
emptied rooms
inside your heart
that fragile thing
that's broken down
was torn apart
and torn asunder
broken then
my mind just so
and makes me wander
in the dark
and sleep-walk through days
and sleepless at nights
am lost for good
there's no one here
to just now catch me
just accept my utter weakness
my utter defeat
and utter confusion
can't you just
you won't, I know,
you've proven once more
and this time, so deadly,
that love alone
just isn't enough
and coldness lies
the biggest constant
bleakest truth beneath it all
a world that lonely, what a thought
what image now quite to behold
a better place to leave than enter
unless you learn to play the game
and let your heart
be turned to stone
as well
ta taa


switch the tale
and switch the trade
make the past
a past endeavor
a passed agenda
passed a chance that wasn't seen
that wasn't yours to help come true
that wasn't your decision nor your making
wasn't true
and wasn't felt
and all those thoughts
and all those feelings
all the times you've died within
make that death a different one
make it one that keeps alive you
lets you see the world anew
lets you put that hope aside
lets you join the cold inside
and don't you dare now
don't you fall
and don't just see what isn't there
and don't believe what signs are given
those are lies just to deceive you
lies to bind you
lies to tie you
yet they won't let close you come
and keep at distance what's so feared
and keep at distance all the passion
all the closeness, all the joy;
and still remains what's true inside you
what true may've been, unknown to you,
but wasn't wanted and denied
and while you know
you can't enforce it
can't unmake what's done so coldly
can't just play the fool once more
can't allow just to be played with
you've got your answer
there's no choice
there's no point for going on
so let this skip
and switch the tale
and kiss the world goodbye at last

Act 3: Epiphaneiai




as truth's the thing now sought for dearly
and truth's so hidden and obscured
and all's so skewed in our perspectives
own volitions
own intentions
what's to see is what's believed just
what's to hear is what's just hoped for
what's the truth now, tell me, quickly,
ain't no time here any more
have to find it, have to grasp it
have to do so - otherwise,
all's just lost, can't carry on;
all's so strangely making sense here
but a sense just not of life just
just a sense of getting out,
of seeking just a way to flee
a way to see not, way to dream not, way to hope not,
way to end just
make it stop
and make it end
make this all
a lasting cry
a lasting effort to undo me
and to arrive at better times
at brighter, more relaxd ones,
so say now, Alice, how d' you do it?
say you, Dorothy, and lead the way just
show me Kansas, but over the rainbow,
this hidden place, this place beyond,
and walk me yonder yellow brick roads
and show me wonders so that I'll believe
but wait, you're not real, and neither but knew you,
'twas just a tornado that's brought you here
or funny white rabbits the other girl followed
so what shall I say?
you just cannot help me
boy, that's a surprise

and turning to gods now, 's that seeming fit?
and old ones, o my,
and dead ones so truest,
but, wait, don't you know it,
all gods but are dead
have died of us humans
'cause we just decide
who lives and who dies
and once we don't like one
so pop that beast goes,
and soon comes another quite meaningless menace
so don't give me gods but that seem so omnipotent
just give me gods now that are but like us
that just are some fucked-up and weirdest-kind people
just bigger and faster and older, that's all,
just words but they are
and words here they'll stay
invoke now the chorus
that's what I shall do
and starting with you, dear,
the bestest of all
and savior and friend
hast brought us forgetfulness, o sweetest Dionysos,
and truth in its wake
a truth of the soul, the painful, destroyed, invaded and broken,
and torn up to pieces
like once you, Zagreus, the twice-born and god-child,
by Hera was torn just apart, the titans she sent then
to kill you, the love child, unwanted one,
and make them just eat you
your heart stayed alive
your heart was restored
and made our protector
we, children from ashes, from titans destroyed by your furious father,
you son of god
and son of man
a truth of our union
ain't that just the kindest bleak story, and saving us all,
and saving my mind?

I'll stay with your gift
and send me the bakchai
and let us now dance, illogic'lly, wildly and deeply so humanly,
and lead me down that road just now
have denied you far too long
now invited, you can come
and twist my world
and shake it up
and give me life
and make my heart not hear
it's broken
has stopped beating
long ago
show the truth me through the layers
through deception
bring now light
bring the words now to the front just
make me see
and make belief


belief to take, 'nto matter twisted
made from chaos comes the earth just
giving birth to sky and sea
reigning, too, the underworld,
making all
a strangest union
strangest mystery come true
physis all
and physis makes us
makes us feel the world around us
makes connect us and distract us
from the things that stayed within
and makes us tell of stories plenty
how it all got made and shaped
how it all is ruled by things material at first
and things material are cited
things material are made
and made the carriers of rules
and made the carriers of rulings
rulers all
the earth but rape
and rulers we
some mighty ones

and strangest union makes a bond here
'twixt what's seen and what's to guess
and form and contents have to marry
have to stand in union strangest
have to make themselves at home
the soul to flesh
feelings felt by flesh alone
shape the soul
in turn

truth's just layer after layer
truth's made true through strangest workings
made a thing to grasp, to tell,
but what we grasp
is just a shape
is just a physis
just a sad necessity


and physis makes us fight for matter
fight for matters straight at hand
or too remote to once be grasped
and strength is leading all to showing
what is had
and what's to do

and have we must
and conquer it all
and just need to control
and now to exert it
and now to extend it to everything visible
everything close or remote, out of range,
nothing's too distant
nothing's too far
nothing or no one unwilling may still here resist
it's all that there is
and all there will be
and power through strength
and power through force
and power through efforts combined in their fiercest and daring'st approach
and war is the image that lurks in behind
has stayed as a haunter and mighty seducer
and power's the drug
that's fed on most frequently
fed on by all
and just keeps us going
a war in the minds
and war in the hearts
that's where our battles
are fought at the most
that's just more effective than targeting bodies

and power all
denies what is good
denies what is bad
and makes it all
a game at hand
a game to continue
to play the next round
and see what is coming
and just be prepared
and war doesn't end
is only postponed
or shifted to elsewhere
for that's what we are
and always have been
till kill us we shall


can't see you the blocks
the building blocks
the things that makes things go
the things that make the world go round
the things so pretty, shining, and powerful
so everything is merchandize
and everything is sold and bought
and riches accumulate
and truths, just as equally,
are made to be working
are made to be fueling the system as such
and life is the slave
of all such concerns

and all pretty houses
and all pretty clothings
and all tasty foods
and everything needed
now all in abundance
and everything's had
just minds stay now trapped
and hearts will be empty


and houses are ruled
and houses are governed
and houses are different from what's in the world
and private and public
are sep'rate agendas
and still don't connect
beware now to join them!
beware to see truth!
beware to be keeping those matters unfixed
those matters uncertain
those matters just kept not quite in control

so love is a treaty
a union enforced
and parties established
shalt never now part
shalt never now live
a truth beyond words
a truth beyond rings
a truth beyond treaties and churches and states

so wisdom 'tis called
t' adhere to the bonds
the sacred traditions
and wise is the man, or woman, perhaps,
to not ask some questions,
to not look for answers
beyond what is known
beyond what is seen?

so know we biology
so know we too history
and why should we see
what needn't be seen
what needn't be phrased
why ask for a gender that's never been there?
why question the fucked up rules that fuck up our minds?


and virtues all given
and virtues all taught
why shall we approach them
and look at them closely
and ask them for answers,
and why deconstruct
what's worked many times
has worked as excuses
has worked as recluses
has worked as a storefront
to just keep things
the way they are?


for chaos is all
and luck is its name
and fate's what us reigns
and flow we in waters we cannot control
and all is so flowing and carrying us
carrying us
towards an end that stays too uncertain
though guess we should too
and see we may something
but still, we do challenge
the prospects at hand
and truths seen as difficult
and answers unbearable

so why should we stop
the simple ways
and why should we start
to complicate things?
it's all just so comfortable
and all just so neat
and all just so tidy
and all just so clean
these little white houses
with little white fences
with little white people
all proper and prim
all pious and chaste
all moneyed and loyal to matters superior

so why shalt we question
the things at hand
and why, o why, should we think at all?

are fates our concern?
should act we on fear just?
and fear just the gods that could punish or bury us?
so are these the morals
that drive us should?


so flee we to logic?
and flee we to reason?
but reason is cold
and reason can't see
and reason can't feel

and since the beginning
when uttered the word
that made all this up
we've seen just the letters
and seen just the structures
and seen not the words nor the sentences all
and seen not what makes this, what fills it with contents

and words aren't enough
they never can be
'cause discourse is all
and speaking is doing
and doing is speaking
but know this, we can't
we only can feel it
and only can hope for it
only can see it
in dreams


and justice is talked of
and justice is hoped for
but justice is made
not by some god
throwing lightning unto the world
arrogantly, and unjustly,

why do we seek
for gods to help us?
we can just guess them
can just approach them in writings and rituals
but all they are
are figments just
and god, the idea,
is raped every time


what stays of this mess?
so tell me now, gods,
so tell me, Dionysos, Gaia, and Ares,
so tell me now, Hermes, Hera, Athene,
so tell me now, Chaos, Apollo or Zeus,
can all of you stand
in the sight of this one?
no, Eros will trash you
and make you seem silly
and make all your power a meaningless nothing
for love, indeed, is all supreme
and nothing is greater
and nothing is crueler
and nothing can both
destroy and create
and make this game
a twisted one


what can I say
what can I do
once words have been taken away from me
once action's denied and all impulse is lost
am turning now
into a wandering fool
an image of misery, pain and exhaustion
a picture of life not, and neither of joy
and so I remain
an uncertain figure
a broken image
and ghastly a shadow
of who I once was
or who I could be
but no, I don't care
I've seen the end
and felt the cold
there's nothing there to make us hope
there's nothing there to make us pray
there's nothing there to make excuses
all's now gone
and all has changed

Act 4: Haireseis




don't you just
want to belong
want to be someone
want to be somewhere
somewhere at home
somewhere inside
somewhere beyond the rain
beyond the cold
beyond the loneliness of life
over the rainbow?

come in and just join
and take what you need
don't think of the problems
and all idiosyncrasies
don't bother, it's normal,
you just can't relate to all that is there
you compromise here
and compromise there
that's life as we know it
and change it we can't
so just come in
and take what you need
that's all there is to it
the rest just ignore


for out there, it's cold
and out there, it's lonely
and out there, there's nothing to hold you and help you
it's all just in dark
and painful confusion
and no simple answers to smoothen your life
and no simple steps to make, no simple rules
and everything queer and everything twisted
you just can't rely on the world to make sense
it's different from inside
it's all just a mess
it's muddy and rainy and terribly mixed
and multiple truths, who th' heck would want that?

the black man's outside
he lurks in the shadows
and wants just to kill you
and rob you and maim you
and come to your houses
and rape just your wife
and rape all your children
and eat them alive
so do now beware
and don't you go out
you're just not safe
and evil's outside
an axis of evil
that's sworn just to kill you
and make our life
this simple, just, pious, and righteous and plain one,
make this life
a living torture
having to think
and looking for truth
o beware, don't go outside,
stay here, spend your money, and don't you look out


we're different, you know
we're better, you know
we're stronger, you know
we're smarter, you know
and we are the chosen ones
and God is our Shepard
for we have just coined him
and he's our slave

he tells us all we want to know
he gives us land we want to have
he gives us history we like
he gives interpretations right
he gives this life
a simple path
a path that's not obscured by thinking
not obscured by truths
not obscured
by others out there
'cause we'll just
make them our own!


'cause they are different
and different's bad
and different's dirty
different's dark
and we have the right
and we are the righteous
we are the empire
we are the heirs
we are the rules to smash the barbarians
'cause they are bad
and they are evil

they don't adhere
to norms we've coined
they don't adore
the gods we've made
they don't just speak
the words we've formed
they don't believe
the things we've made up
so move them away
and let 'em all die
and just make it quicker
and burn them
o, just disappear
we are the future
they are the past
this is the world as it is
the brave new world
the empire of us
so better cede
and better leave


'cause we have been living the way that is right
and we have the sacred, old ways to be followed
it's been this way for all our times
it's been this way as long as we know
so better live it
for why should it be
that men make mistakes?
and generations of men
could follow what's wrong?
we have the ways
so bow
and cede


'cause all has been written
and god is the writer
it's sacred and closed
and no one to question it
no one to doubt it
no one to show us
what's wrong or fallacious
or written by humans
we cherish our truths
we cherish our history
cherish our laws
and cherish the way
the world is made up
the land has been parceled
the work's been assigned
the riches are fixed
and rules are assigned


and rules don't come cheaply
and rules are not made
they have been here
for all of our time
since the dawn of man
since the birth of progress
the cradle of civilization
so don't you ask
what's right and what's wrong
for we have the power
and we make the rules
so we are the fuckers
and they are the fucked


and no iota's to be changed
and not a point is to be altered
you may amend it
make some points
but not the world as such is subject to your changes
the game's been set
the rules are made
and play it now
you have no choice
for we control the discourse all
we control what's heard and said
we control what's seen and transmitted
we control the pictures on the screen
we control the texts on paper
interpret now the way you want
you can't cheat discourse
can't cheat life
can't cheat fate
can't cheat faith


if follow you us
you're better, you're stronger,
and saved you will be
we violate truth
and rape all the hopeful
and thrash all the moral that's inside our soul
we heard them together
and make them 'nto sheep
so that they will bow
so that they won't think
so that they will serve
and just make us stronger
and just make us bigger
and just cannot threaten
the powers that be

so, inside or out,
we ask you so kindly
to just become blind
and see not the things
too wrong with this picture
for why should you want
to stay outside?
heretics are things
are not even human
we burn them just instantly
they'll just disappear
so, asking you kindly,
just give it up
and shut your mouth


what now is heresy
what now is truth
what now is power that's righteous and true
what is a god
that's supposed to be followed
and s'pposed to be feared?
should bow I to power
should bow I to strength
should bow I now
to texts too sacred to be true
to ways too old to be productive
to rules too strict to just be right?
so why should I bow
that's not my way
and not my god
and not my empire to follow
and not my frame to live my life
I'm not a slave of you, of nobody,
not any more,
I'm out


and all now turns
and turns around
and turns in its grave
and turn it will
and turn it must
and make it all
a cycle of vanity
cycle of nothings just uttered inanely
just uttered in vain
the snake bites its tail
eternal ouroboros
and makes it go round
and turns the wheel
the true wheel of fortune
o fortuna
force of darkness, force of light,
see you all
and see you nothing
makes us turn around, the living dead,
and makes this life
a splendid misery to bear
an all-so cruel intervention
and happiness
is ignorance
the more you know
the more you think
you lose your mind
and gain the truth
and feel your heart
t' be beating still
so cry out loud
and start to howl

Act 5: Kykleseis




so what's now to do
and what's now to say
when nothing is left
and all now has crushed
and all seems in vain
and substance is lost
and structures have fallen?

has fallen it all
has fallen it all!
has fallen it all?
or something remains?
and something's retained
what's staying, what's pounding
what's making me go
what's turning around
the tell-tales of happiness
tell-tales of love
tell-tales of friendship
that never was allowed to be?
has all now to end
or is there an option
a way to retain a spark still inherent
a spark never lost, never gone, just obscured?

'cause stories are over
and stories begin
and stories are told
and stories are made
they don't just but happen
quite out of their own
they don't just live
they don't just die
they're caused to live
and caused to die

so make this now
a different one
a newer, better, still the same?
why can't it be
that new from old
can happen still
for life is yet another page
and death inside we need to flee


now, it's dark
I thought now it's over
her leaving and all
I knew it, accepted it,
made my laments,
eager just to be moving on
but somehow it hits me
she's gone for ever
I'm losing my love
and losing a friend
at the same time

what's been a foresight
been a fear
been the thing so feared the most
has turned to truth
turned to reality
made itself
come true so cruelly
true so pounding and astounding
now's the question, burning thought,
did I write this into being?
what's the truth
and what is made?


now, it's brighter
I'm out of bondage
cast away the hollow prescribers
the foes of the mind
and catchers of souls
who just want control
and all demand loyalty
cast off now I am
eager just to be moving on
but somehow it hits me
I'm outside for ever
I've gained my freedom
and entered loneliness
at the same time

and all that works in theory
gets darker when it's put to life
and hunts me down so
haunts me still
am lost, forsaken, barely living
but go back I can't, I won't,
'tis better truth to find then lies
though even truth will feel like hell


and now it's all to come to pass
and now it's all to just make sense
to just create a sense of knowing
sense of seeing, sense of feeling
sense of things that more concrete here
sense of things that show you can
that know you can
and point a finger eas'ly to -
so how would that be,
tell me, my dear,
yes, how would that seem
if knew I so suddenly what's now to come
what then has happened
or what's on right now?
how could I pretend
to know just a thing
a tiniest thing of tiniest bits?
how could you say
this had to make sense?
'cause senses are futile
and senses are gone
once seen you have
and felt you have
and to know you had
the end of time
not once
but twice
just when you'd thought
you would have been safe
then hit you it will
and fell you now down


once seen you have
will see you always
eyes that opened once must stay
shut them down you could, but why?
since you know it differently
no wish-belief
nor easy answers
could then please or could suffice
the things you've seen
have made themselves, have made yourself
a different one,
and changed a mind
and changed a heat
and changed a soul
just can't go back
just can't revert
to states of prison, states of lies -
construct what you want
however you want it
however you do it
I've seen the magician behind the stage
I've seen the tricks that make it all work
so don't you now tell me
to just close my eyes
or just to shut down
my sense of truth
and sense of self
you just can't convince me that all's just so simple
that all's just a compromise we have to follow
there still remains choice
and still remains life
and still remains truth
to find in ourselves


now it's dark
and darker it gets
for there's no exchange
and there's nothing given
to turn it around
and look for a way
to make it all work
to make it all better

and since I have seen it
why didn't I see it
are doomed we to fall
just doomed to repeat the same thing all over -
though facts may have changed,
objectives so different,
there still comes around
a far crueler one
and far stranger scheme
to leave me perplexed

how can't you just see
'tis the friend that I miss
not linked to a function
not linked to desire
for friendship and love
can just be as equal
and just be as valid
and not be the same


all so longed for
all so dreamt -
to shadows went
to nothingness
and empty all
inside just so
broke it down
all's apart
all in theory so feared
obfuscated once so seemed
now invades it
shaking soul
shaking thought
shakes it all
so smash it down then
grasp it
drop it
face it
stake it
broke it


there's nothing to fill the void
there's nothing that makes it quite right
there's nothing that can just replace what was lost
for what should I look for, just now?

for links that are severed
just can't grow identic'lly somewhere anew
what's lost leaves a hole
a pitch black hold
and all are unique
and there's no replacement
there never can be


once seen you have
it's come to pass
to see you always now are doomed
and to escape
is not an option
link you can to people just
not to things or vague ideas
it's the living just that count
and who is lost
will take from you
and make you die
for ever


in circles all comes back to haunt you
back to tear your soul apart
and can't rely you on what's known
can't rely you on what's done
on what's achieved
or what seemed solved
of all the truths one will prevail
and will force down you more and more
for all is loss
you'll lose yourself
and lose all others
till the dark
will take you home


now, it's dark
I fear now it's over
her leaving and all
I knew it, accepted it,
made my laments,
eager just to be moving on
but somehow it hits me
she's gone for ever
I've lost my love
and lost a friend
at the same time

December 31st, 2002

© Phil John Kneis. all rights reserved   · - internet diary · poetry · serial photography
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