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  phase 4: holon kai meros


Category 4: Remains

Section Index

  1. Metastasis I: Can't You Just
  2. Metastasis II: Inconnu
  3. Metastasis III: Significant Other
  4. Metastasis IV: Significant Own
  5. Metastasis V: Tear
  6. Metastasis VI: Puppet
  7. Dialysis VIII: Syllogy XX: Lament

  What's Related  
  Subsequent Pages - Poems  

Phil John Kneis:
Eichwalde, April 26th, 2002 - P#188

Falling am I,
Can't you hold me,
Can't you just
Be here to catch me
Catch me
Hold me
Grasp me
Take me
Give myself, my sickest mind
Give myself
Someone to hold
Someone to love
And to be loved

April 27th, 2002

Phil John Kneis:
Berlin, May 8th, 2002 - P#189

je ne veux pas
je ne peux pas
mais bien si
je souhaite
te regarder
te basser
et avec tu
simpl'ment rester -
mais non, je reste,
je suis tant seul, et je n' sais pas
comment te dire
sans invader ta vie fermée
et ça de quoi j'ai bien besoin
il faut rester, et inconnu
m'amour de toi
bien sûr

May 8th, 2002

Phil John Kneis:
Eichwalde, May 12th, 2002 - P#190

Through all the times
Waiting just
Through all the times
Looking just
And hoping
For one single person
To make it all right
To just let it all
Make sense
And also, in turn,
Me, too, making sense,
And joint, just like this,
In heart and in mind,
In body and soul
In all kitschy ways -
Why can't it come true?
Is too much to ask this,
Are times too progressed,
And thinking of love
Unthinkable here?

May 12th, 2002

Phil John Kneis:
Eichwalde, May 24th, 2002 - P#191

just make it end
and stop the pain
just put a stake right through my heart
that would complete
what's done already
would just free me from this spell
would just let me walk again
make me live
and cast you off

for how can it be
that I love you still?
for there's no reason to pursue you:
you're not bait, and I'm no hunter,
I still want you,
but that's all,
for it needs two
and you're not seeing me that way

and still, that pain's inside of me,
and when I think of you, it hurts,
when I see you, I'm in pain,
what's that spell,
it can't be love,
it must not be,
for all it does
is bring me feelings I can't need
and see connections where are none
and see a link
where there's just coldness,
where's just stuff that's not about me,
problems, thoughts you have to deal with,
want to deal with
by yourself

am thrust unto myself again
but see, how can I find another,
how could I
go out and look
when there's just emptiness around me
or some lucky ones in love -
how can I now
once I've met you
see the world anew again?
for new it ain't
and I just can't
deny what happened
to my soul

and still, it's pathetic,
and still, it's obsessive,
and still, it just keeps me
from living along -
am living alone in stead
am dying each night anew
and as soon I am home,
as soon I'm alone,
I've just become
another person
just a mere shadow,
almost a ghost,
and not quite alive,
not quite myself
without you
to complete me

and is there no end?
can't be there a change?
or just transformation
of pain into life,
silence to trust,
love into friendship,
for if there ain't love,
should sever the bonds we
that held us together
and still can be seen
and still can be felt?
you don't just do that
you can't just throw it away
this bond
you can't just discard
such a fragile construction
for that would be saddest
an end to all hope
so don't, please don't,
don't throw me away
out with the litter
out in the darkness
into oblivion

we can't slay our demons
we just can accept them
learn to embrace them
can't cast them off
for if we did,
we'd cast off ourselves.
we can't become perfect,
can't stand on our own:
we still need others
still need a friend
still need an other
to help see the own

May 24th, 2002

Phil John Kneis:
Eichwalde, July 2nd, 2002 - P#192

Rated R

what's inside
what's not to see
what's not to know
and just to guess
and wouldn'be guessed
and wouldn't be known
and wouldn't be thought
and couldn't be thought
and couldn't be brought
ever more

what's outside
what's seen but not seen
what's known but not known
just guessed but not guessed
and cannot be known
and cannot be thought
and cannot be brought
ever more

a tear seems t'have formed
just tearing it down
tearing it down
what known once believed
what perfect perceived
a safehouse assumed
and all petty games
and all petty lies
the smallest betrayals
of thoughts just your own
the smallest deception
you made on your own
torn it down
a tear in time
a tear in space
a loop you're making
over and over
and over again

so over it now
just better but be
ignore now the loop
ignore but it's spin
it's inner insanity
inner complacency
inner but drive
inner deception:
won't you get fooled again
won't you but fool you yourself again
just do ignore it
just do keep going
and on your own
this loneliest place
that's where you belong
nobody's servant
nobody's slave
nobody's fool
ever again
till next time, my friend,
'cause this is the end
the fucking end
of the fucking road
till back you again
have come from your flight
for walk we on circles
encircling ourselves

and through the tears
that cradle your sleep
your past washed away
your thoughts to get clear
so till you see
what's inside, is out,
what's outside, is in
and out of the game
is in the game
so tear it down
like torn it has you
and make yourself
quite out of the ashes
and out of the grave
then dug by yourself
just tear down the sight
that blinded you has:
but don't you but see,
there's no where to go,
there's no way to know?

July 2nd, 2002

Phil John Kneis:
Eichwalde, July 12th, 2002 - P#193

just a puppet
not a being
just a thing
that is controlled
and is observed
to not come closer
not come nearer
to the truth
and stay away
and stay in sight
but never just
with own an impulse
own a feeling
to be let

just a slave
of cruel emotions
just a zombie in the making
not quite dead, but not alive;
how to see here -
how to act
when action's lost
and gets unknown?

and how did it happen
how did it come
how did the spirit
steal out and die
how can it be
how to unmake it
and how to remake now
what's lost and seems gone?

July 12th, 2002

Phil John Kneis:


Eichwalde / Hurghada / Luxor, August 6th-30th, 2002 - P#198

Rated R






all I could write
just doesn't fit
all I could write
just ain't enough
just ain't the whole of the picture at hand
just doesn't fit
and just can't portray
and truthfully illustrate
all that has happened
all that has changed
all that remained
inside and within
and all petty lies
and all neat pretending -
just show me their helpless, sweet misunderstanding,
say, am I the only one
'xcept poems and singers
that share these reflections
and share but the curse
that's following me
and stays not at home once I go away?
am followed by thoughts
that based not in reason
but based in my heart
so don't give me reason
that's not the right poison to kill off my love


this is no game
I mean, it shan't be
this is too serious
this is too heavy-set
this is too true t' be fooling around
love is no game
love is the essence, the giver of life
and once you have found it
it's all that you've wanted
and all that you've needed
and keeps you then going
just faster and stronger and better than ever -
a wellspring of hope
of safety, of change, and of seeing the world
alone not, together -
and blah blah blah blah blah
and making a diff'rence
where others are shallow
all you need (you know that phrase)
and still it's true
for can't you see?
once I was cynical, safe, unattached,
but now that love
has struck me down
I'm seeing the truth -
as long you've not seen it, you haven't found love
I'm not talking giggling
and sweet holding hands
and color-matched clothes
and digging the body
and steaming hot sex
and babies (or not)
and family luck
and grand-kids and great-grand ones
cuteness around so and everything pink -
pink such a bubble
is not what I mean
maybe I am
a family man
maybe, however,
it suits me just better
to just be a lover
these others are details
not quite but defining
not quite but illuming
just what it is
I'm talking about


take me to the garden
to the fucking garden of joy
we need to go there
need just be there
hang around
and eat the fruits that hang around there
the fruits of joy
of love
and passion
of sincerest devotion
of maddening want
yes, take me there indeed
let the willows willow
the meadows meadow
the rivers river
I know it's nonsense
utterly crappy imagery
it's just an old song
and just an old topic
so what shall I say
words have left me
let me just make it a patchwork of things
a tapestry of life
a pastiche yet to come
so what shall I say
take me there
or not
there's just no reason to go on alone


can't tolerate love
can't tolerate happiness
can't even stand it to happen for others
can't just abide it
cannot ignore it
still it reminds
of what might be lost
what may have happened
what may have worked -
instead but just fleeing
'nto cynical harshness
in other's lives too -
but that is not me -
for I cannot make these steps -
I just can't play the cold one who's hot just for show
there's just one rule
I need to follow
just one rule
I must accept
to know my self, and make it better
and make my face
the same for all
and every one
oh, stop the bullshit
stop pretending:
for that's a rule I can't just follow
it's just not working for me any more
it's just pretending
just assuming to uphold
a certain face, a certain stronghold
to appear
much stronger but
the outside world just must not know
I must not tell
I must not show
that dead I've been inside since then
that dead is all around me so
that I'm just walking to my grave
and wanting just
it all
to stop
that may sound harsh
you may not abide it
and may not want hear it
that's fair, of course, and don't I know it
I just don't care
I fucking don't care
not any more
why should I, huh?
I don't hold no cards any more
I've left the game
for left me it has
so why should I care


I'm sinking downwards
cannot sleep
cannot hear
cannot listen
will the walls not move towards me please,
and the table here stop rocking?
ain't there not a slightest piece here?
no, no slightest peace is mine, dear,
flee the terror, flee the past, and flee it all
go away and drift apart -
take apart
your inner cruelty
inner howl and inner insanity
love her leave her love her leave her
love her leave her love her leave her love me rape me leave me alone
I'm just the fool in this game
just the little stupid fool
drifting away
is all I can do
no other choice
has been given to me
drifting away all now is
drifting away all that I'd known
all that I'd cherished
all that I'd wanted
now it's just gone
returns no more
my babe's left me
and now I see
she never was here with me
she never even saw a future
saw a potential lying ahead
my babe is gone
I love her so
so is this hell?
it just must be
it has to be
there's not another clue available


there's no structure to be found here
fragments all
and numb my mind
all's just torn to pieces here
fragmented my inner core
what's to say that hasn't been said
should insist I or hold back?
don't I know she wants not hear it
don't I known she cannot take it
so all I can do
is keep the peace
the armistice
and cease my fire
try to heal
my heart within
so that from fragments, structure rises
and from distorted feelings, something else


it must not end in shattered pieces
must not end in silence all
must not end in calls unanswered
must not end in ignorance
for too important
what was lost
what has to be a better path
and one we can go without hurting ourselves
a compromise to save the past
and keep a future yet unwanted
at a distant, quietly


so that's where it ends?
but what then went wrong?
it just doesn't fit?
is this the secret, the mystery all?
it's driving me mad,
say, can't you see it?
you could not tell me
just what went wrong -
out of politeness, out of discretion,
whatever it was,
it's making me crazy
reliving the past
over and over and over again
yet talk about it, I can't,
it doesn't feel right,
it doesn't feel proper,
it just might disturb
your daily routine
and make me a thorn in your life and your plans


I can't just ignore you
cannot just leave you
I love you still
and that's the truth
I can't break our bonds
and if there ain't love,
there still can be friendship,
I want this, too,
it's killing me, though,
but that's just ok,
for not seeing you
is just so much worse


there is no solution
there just is no way
I let you go
I'm losing you still
can't lose my love
for this is different
it's not just some words
it's not just a surface
it's true in all ways
it's not just a crush
it's not just some hormones
it's love all the way
the only, the sickening, maddening kind
it's Juliet and Romeo
Buffy and Angel
I'm losing my soul, with or without you,
and gaining, and losing, a reason to live


but there's no solution
there is no way
this cannot be over by talking it out
this cannot be dealt with by striking a blow
or making a bubble of words filled with pain
that's done already
I'm broken down
and torn apart
and pain's my fellow in the night
and darkness stays my sweetest companion
I know, deep down,
that I'll be alone
and won't have peace in my heart again
but still, I felt it,
and somehow, I know
no compromise
no fake affairs
that I don't need
and I can't take it
I know what I want
I just cannot have it
and love is my curse
my demon and friend
and only lament

August 30th, 2002

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