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  phase 3: chaos kai nomos


Category 1: Initiations

Section Index

  1. The Beginning
  2. So Now Then
  3. Trapped in Time
  4. Shut It Off
  5. Dialysis V: Syllogy XI: Broken Down

  What's Related  
  Subsequent Pages - Poems  

Phil John Kneis:
Eichwalde, January 1st, 2001 - P#146

And so it begins
And ended all has
And now, all so calm,
All peaceful inside -
But that is to change
And new things to come -
And things now so past
Will cast then their spell,
Their voice will not stop -
Ignore them we can't
But put them to place -
And this, past the end,
Beginning will be,
Beginnings we'll see
And start a new day
And - maybe - a life.

January 1st, 2001

Phil John Kneis:
Eichwalde, January 17th, 2001 - P#147

Like a zombie now I'm walking
Dead it all inside me so,
Death around me, death so pounding,
Empty all and vain so much
And my steps just move along,
Foot by foot, the soil so shaking,
Vibrates air around me so,
Currents pushing me aside,
Dead the hand
And fingers shaking
All the thoughts
At once collide -
Nothing now
Just changed here has -
Nothing now
Nothing now
All what mattered, lost it so,
All what gave me hope and shelter
All the paths obscured again
Talk it is
And talk it always -
Words just scribbled down in vain -
Sanity -
How pitiful -
So then
In the beginning
Lies the end
And broken down
It'll be
Once more
At last
So now then.

January 17th, 2001

Phil John Kneis:
Eichwalde, January 21st, 2001 - P#148

Another day
Another week
Another month
Another year
And still so many years to come
And sit we here in pleasant numb
And plans to make
And wishes full -
And all our youth we drink in full -
Yet time's too precious
Time's so rare
And time's no fool
The fools are we:
For all we know
There might not be enough time
There might not be
A second chance
A second glance
A second asking -
All the choices thus are final
All the utterances hit
All the words we speak, are spoken
Nothing then
Can take it back
Nothing then
Give back it can
Not here
Not now
We're trapped
In time
And burn within
And time
Doesn't care
Time doesn't share
Our needs -
And then, in the end,
A new beginning
Won't look up front
But look aback -
And caught we are
And things to do
Their share demand
And time
Grows shorter
Every day
And soon
It's up.

January 21st, 2001

Phil John Kneis:
Eichwalde, January 31st, 2001 - P#149

Shut it off
And don't get hurt
Shut it off
And just go on
All those things are past you now
All those thoughts to past belong
All those perturbations
Go now must -
All this gnawing awkwardness,
All these pounding questions,
Just ignore them now and go -
All this misery ignore
Shut it off
In its face now laugh and turn
Turn your back, it's over now
All those thoughts are now to go -
So that go on
You now just may
One thing to do, one thing this just -
And broken down
Then all shalt be
And then the end
You soon shalt see
Beginnings make
And light to see.

January 31st, 2001

Phil John Kneis:

Broken Down

Eichwalde / Dresden / Potsdam / Berlin / Kaprun, January 29th, 2001 - May 2nd, 2001 -

also available: a print-optimized version (PDF, 169 KB)

Rated R





Since all that were
By past consumed
And all to come
In future's grasp
The present now
The time at hand
Yet still - it seems -
An unknown land
And yet to chart
And yet to see -
Yet all there is
Is open stories
Open dreams
And open wounds -
The paths till here
So dark, obscured,
The paths till here
Unknown at last
And all just flew
What brought us here
Too difficult
And words now lacking
Words don't work
They just obscure
And just pretend -
Their impact large
Their voice too stark
And pounding so
And sounding so -
Is what they claim -
But, don't they maim,
And don't they kill?
They rape the mind
That's young yet still
And violate
Its open eye -
Polemious -
And propaganda
Proper will is just destroyed
Pounding so
Hurting all
Breaking down
The heart that lives.

They all declare
And all invoke
And all proclaim -
Yet where to find it -
To define it -
And to see:
And all you'll be
A freak just so
A strange distraction,
Ain't that clear?
And distance now
Gets lost at all -
And past and future
Come together
Present now
They all consume -
All that lost so thought,
Returns it,
Haunting you,
Invading all -
And words to find -
And words to come -
And fears set in
And interest lost
And concentration now
So lost
And all so culminating now
And everything
Once far away
Now crushes in
And crashs into you,
Your way to be -
And pressing down you
All now will -
And memory
A burden so
And things so past
You can't discern -
Abstraction now
Gets lost, unfound,
Concreteness now
Sets in so deadly,
Breaks you down.

What far once was at pleasant distance
Sets now in and finds you scared,
Scarcely do you know this world,
Surfaces get near so pain-filled,
Scared you'll be from noises known -
Just a train that's passing by -
Just a car that passed you has -
And a door that opens now,
Makes you fear what might come in,
Doors so closing shut you off,
To the corner now retreat you,
Pleasant corner, walls so dear,
With your back
The bricks so facing -
And the room gets closer now,
Closer all - and larger, wider,
Through its size, just pushs you down -
All you see
Just horror now
Distance lost
And breaks you down.

Turn the volume down, I tell you,
White a noise is all I hear
Nothing here a sense so making
All the borders now
Broke Down
Shatters all
And crumbles, faints -
In my mind,
Just breaks it down.

All you people now, get lost!
Lost you've gotten long ago so -
Can't abide you,
Want not see you,
All you do is to remind me
Of the things that
Broke just down.

And the end
So not in sight
Once more
All so close, and all so pounding,
Still I live - and still I'm breathing -
Make it stop
And break it down.


And all to come
Just now gains sight -
And sight us gaining -
And comes it just right down to us -
A picture drawn from what to come -
And shown before it manifests -
hê próleipsis mèn - The proleipsis then
Haunting so
A picture drawing
In our mind
Into the mind-set
Just like this
And just like now
And just like real -
Realities by this so bending
All the other things now fade
Go away
And must here cease.

All the times before
In vain
All the vanities so sought
Just clearly seen
And clearly seen as what they are -
And past endeavors
Past excuses
Past all uses
And break just down
And pave their way
Through shaken mind
In shaking soul.

So see the future right ahead
And see the rim you're standing at
And down the gutter lead your glances
Down this all
This bleak abyss
This darkest matter all unfolding
Darkest thoughts now manifesting
All just seeing diff'rently
All by substances just known
All to know
And all to tear

And look inside
And throw all boundaries aside
And fuck all those who won't abide!
Just screw 'em, fuck 'em, just ignore 'em,
Shut you up, and let me go
And do the things
That need be done.

A picture just -
A fragment, pounding,
Just a little piece of dust
And the sun
Already burning
And the darkness looks so cool
Calmly, shadows start approaching,
Helping hands themselves portray -
All the future things laid out -
All the things
Of future's may-bes
All the proleipsis you bear
All the images that burn
And move your insides to and fro
Burning deep, inside your soul -
To hell you'll go -
Breaking down
The binding laws.


Times so past still hurting so
Make it stop
And make it go
And all what doomed here seems
Now rise it shall
And surge
surge de nocte
ad diem et lucem
pertubationes deiciens
et omnia
sunt [3]
And all that remains
Shattered bones and limps so hurting
Nerves just broken, stuck and failing -
All the senses, dull and shaking
Sense so lacking, un-perceived,
And to surge
So vain to seem.

So vain to be
It all just has -
And all amongst all
The day darkens fast
And night just between -
What comes after that
Is silence, confusion
And darker then all
All shadows so falling
et umbrae te capiunt [4]
And hear you the fractures
The breaking apart
The breaking of all
A sound like a scream
And surging through space
And surging through time
Engulfing it all
To wake now, a joke
A terrible yoke
In purgatory now you are -
The dreams once dreamt now just so far.



All that so hurt as well all that so burnt just inside now is calling
All which in times just so past but then thought will come back now again so
Make all now seem just so small which in happiest thoughts used to dwell in
Happiest houses a childhood just held and in times but seemed diff'rent
Diff'rent to see and perceive and to call to existence and hear it
Sense just so fading away here in passage of time and these tears all
Used not to fade in the time you intended to live but were blocked so
Just with the pain and the asking and questions and all this around it
All that's around and among and in side you - the sense but has gone then,
Questions just mounting and leaving no space just to breathe or to sleep in.

Can't you just see all the questions that rise from what happened and hurt so
Can't you just feel all the horror inside with the terror out there so
Looks to your face, right into your own soul waiting that you will falter
Looks right into you, can't give you a break, not a spark of relaxing
All these in pitiful union now seen and the space crushed, diminished
Spaces that were once in matter or time are now cages which hold you
Cages that capture your soul, your insides, your excitement to live here -
Nothing stays calm here and nothing preserved which to calmness could lead you
All that remains are calamities, vexing and hunting you down now
Turning away you from absolute pleasure to sins of negation.

All that has beeen was illusion, a mask and a pitiful nothing
Nothing in truth, en verdad, in the essence we live and just thrive in
Nothing of substance, just babbling and hollow pretending of something
No obligation, no trust, no devotion - just lies and deception
How do you live with it, how do you cope, do you grasp your own being?
How do you manage to keep and uphold just this terrible silence?
How do you fathom to test your resolve in the future to come then?
How do you stand just the loneliness all now around you?
How is it nothing that true once can matter right here and right then so?
How can this be that my love was so suddenly taken away so?

What could I do, could I say, could I write, could however be trying?
What is the answer've been looking for all since this moment of sadness?
Is there an answer, a clue, a solution to cope with it, is there?
Is there a way I could make all which happened undone in my thinking?
Is there recovery, learning, and then, vindication and growing?
Is there some patience to find and some hope here to see, to encounter?
Is not the truth what has happened, the truth what I've seen and have heard then?
Is not the truth what from present perspective a past would be called so?
Is it not time which decides over truth or negation and falsehood?
Is it not time which decides what's just vanity, vain just in whole here?

What's then the truth, what's the path, ho kairós, or just dharma be named here?
Answers to find might just be what so ever a truth is believed then
Pragma to serve and just uses to follow and dying for ever -
Substance not seeking and vain so the thoughts and the deeds and all asking?
Past just a ruler and past's own dominion to seek and to cherish,
Love turning back into hatred and odious feelings to nourish,
Curses and lies and distortion then all which remains and invades you,
Future's a pit and a hole which you're stuck in and not to be freed from?
Is this the path here to choose, here to follow, to shape and promote here?
Is this the tale to be told in the future, the epos to sing?


And so then all it went away,
Away the past, away and gone,
And nothing here
This spark retained -
And hollow all inside just so
The vessel empty what once full,
It's hull so broken through and through,
Its contents lost, away it flowed
And dripped just out,
And bled just out,
Like veins which ruptured
Vessels hurt
And flowed it out continuously
Like art'ries opened
All just went outside, just driven
By the pulse
By the pulse of my heart
And ampty now
I am.

But just before,
My heart just lived
And all rejoiced
And springtime-like
All senses woke
And let all in
Which beautiful
And let all in
That true in spirit
True in heart -
And let all in
That gave just life
And everything
So changed just was
And everything
Just new so seemed -
And new, all things just were,
All being,
Just new
And fresh
And young.

And old I feel
Just now inside
And broken all these dreams of then
These dreams of future,
Dreams of light,
Dreams that bitterness defied
Dreams that darkness ridiculed -
And now,
In the end,
The end indeed,
The truth is gone,
The hooks I relied upon
Are broken, disintegrated,
Can't rely upon them any more,
The vision now has changed,
The sights just altered,
The doubts don't go away

But then
The future so bright it seemed
The paths to go
Just easy looked
And burdens never seen in sight
And all my needs
Were simpler then
Just one desire
One intent -
Just look at her
Just be with her
That would have sufficed,
Had been enough, -
For love
Doesn't want
Doesn't use force
Doesn't demand
It's all enough
In itself.

Like a glance at a mirror
My face stays the same
The man in the mirror
The boy
The child
The same outside
Inside so, broken now
And worlds have passed
And times so diff'rent now,
But still,
It's me,
It's all inside of me,
The outer limits
Just don't matter
The outer world
Has gone too far
And all's in me
All answers here
And not a thing outside
Can matter
Yeah, not a thing outside
Can hurt
Not here
Not now
Not any more
Maya all
Illusion but
Go away
And I control you
Do I?
And I invoke you
Didn't you
Reject me then?
The nothing then
Is all that stays
Salvation there
In the end
In the beginning

Yet then
All rightly aligned
All rightly layed out
And right all it seemed
Illusion it was?
A good one indeed,
And then, as it crushed,
Just crushed all within
And broken it all
And broken just down
The answers then found
The end was just cast
Beginnings enfolded
Yet not undertaken
And life not awaken
And all pretty things
Just gone then to hell
My sunshine
Was taken away.


The things that are made
The things that appear
The things that we see
The substance - or not -
The sight of this all
Of all that is made
Of all that, to write,
And all that to show -
And all that to know -
Does this not include to make it then through?
To see it yourself,
The hope and the fear,
The joy and the pain,
The light and the darkness
And all as it's made?

The word at hand
And deeds to do
To help me through
Yet deeds to do
Must stay on track
Just keep the balance,
Don't you drift
Don't drift away,
Don't fade away -

And human, still,
Your face shalt be
And darkness watch
From safe a distance,
Don't go near -
O my,
It's done,
And like in stun,
I see no light,
I see no answers here,
All's dark

The only thing now
Which may make a diff'rence
Which may make me sane
Just now, that could be,
To make again,
Just to resume
tên poiêsin
The making
The doing
And all in its reach
So then

And make
What you can
What new is then
To climb to the stars
Defy all nears and fars
In all your days and the nights
To gather new places and sights
Climb up it will now, up to the wake
Appear all then will and all is at stake.


Broken Down -
That's no abstraction,
Not a distant, mental scheme -
Too concrete this truth has come,
Far too near
And crushed my sight -
Broken down my heart just is,
Broke apart it,
Torn asunder,
All the hopes and dreams were lies,
All the latent yearning, void,
And unrequited,
Love's a demon of the dark -
Ugly creature, gorgon-faced,
Just when beauty floods the senses
Killed the sense to just go on
To salt we turn
And break apart
And broke it all
And broken down.

Turning back,
Where was my fault?
The error which this havoc caused?
The answer which was unfulfilling,
Questions that I dared not ask?
What's the truth - and what's the substance?
What in fact can fact remain?
All the things that happened then
Can I call them back again?
Aren't they altered, mis-conceived?
Shadowed by results so dark?
All the answers I once had
Lies remain - or truth contain?
quid est veritas
I'm asking
What's the truth -
The truth at all?
Is there not this pressing yearning
Is there not this urge to tell
This pain-filled urge
This consciènce?

Yet this all
Will senseless stay
Will empty be
And cold remain -
All the replay to perform
Will happen just
Inside my mind
Inside my soul
Broken soul
And broken mind
And shattered pieces of a whole
A whole that's lost,
Not yet regained,
But incomplete, no thought can work,
No plan will stay.

Thoughts of past
And thoughts of future
All in present just collide
Are consumed
By present's ploys
And time's a raptor of the dark,
A predator, voracious,
Consuming all that's in its way
Unchallenged here -
And in its path
'Tis us who cede
'Tis us who live
'Tis us who die
And break apart
And fall to pieces
All alone.

And all when sanity so lost
Illusion take the grasp of you
And make you wish
And make you dream
And make imagine you a place
That's better just in all its shape -
A world of dreams
And dreamscapes all -
And not to logic it will fall
And someplace other,
Place unreal,
Beyond the road
Of yellow bricks
The place to find
In kitschy images of trees
And skies and shores and colors all
Just somewhere
Over the rainbow.

And all in trying to escape
Am finally I'm prone to wake?
And to go on?
And psycho-analyze myself?
And write this all,
And not an ounce of hope regained?
Or ain't I already here coping
Writing off
The pain inside -
And all that's broken down
In the end
Illusion be
A tragedy
To the past?
De verdad?
Quid est veritas?
So tell me!


All things now said
All things considered
And all which told
Is now to fold
To make undone
And send to sleep -
The mimicking
Is over now
The things that said
The things so made
The poiêsis in mimêsis
Has now to cede
So soon
And let its constipation go
And let me go
And live again

And words so unclear
With words, undisguised,
At last now so pounding
Against what's here seen -
The proleipsis now
Should not be fulfilled
A breakdown not this
For broken it all
And rise now it must
And glue it together
Is what we must do -
What broke, has to heal,
What shattered, recover,
And past is a train
That lost we
For good.
For final a time
The words now to speak
The mimêsis then
To truth to return.


And as I go to sleep each night
'Tis sleep the last thing that I find
The nights I fear
As sleep I lack
And thinking just
Of her I am
There's not a stopping
No escape -
I'm haunted so,
Her spell was cast
So masterly
And now
A curse become it has
And nothing here
Calmed down then since.

I loved you, dear,
And love you still,
Nothing ever change that will,
Not a word you've said to me
Not the silence laid upon me
Not a single, brutal scheme.
Ain't I crazy?
Ain't I mad?
For all that she told me were lies,
It now seems,
And all she invoked was deception,
It seems,
But still
I can't help it
I'm caught
And forsaken
And lost.

And alone
Yet something's diff'rent
Things have changed -
I've tasted more
Than solitude,
Have tasted love -
How bitter-sweet! -
How dangerous a drug it is
And now
No turning back there is
And never can be
Never shall
I can't revert
To previous state
My mind is lost
Till love I find

You really think
You wanna know?
My only wish it is
To die
To let it end
And make it stop -
Just instincts but
And rests of thinking
Let me just
Go on
And walk
A zombie like
Not real this face
No solid mask
A fractured one
And time it is
Who will decide -
This single thread
I'm hanging on -
I just don't care
I can't
It's lost
For still I'm lying here
In the dark.

No reason here
No thought behind
Just let her go
Just leave this place inside my head
In theory
That's plain to see
In theory
I know all that
And could go on.
Yet practice then
A diff'rent beast
And life
Is yet another page.

And all
From now on
Shallow but
And empty
Has to be
And as I give in to the night,
My dreams go on
To work the spell
And let the haunting
Not break down:
Love's prisoner
I am.


The things of the past
Are over now
The things of the present
The things of the future
We'll see
When the time comes
But now
All is calm
All is peaceful
In here,
All around -
The shadows that were
No hold here to find
And diff'rent a view -
That's what I'm to see -
That's what I've to grasp -
And now, in the end,
What's broken down
Has just to be

[transliteration given below]
sci. audi. vide.


May 2nd, 2001

Endnotes for this Category

16.1.5. BROKEN DOWN:

[1] Invocatio: and in these times of now / all things to me are seeming / the utmost harsh / the utmost worst / and now / the altered truth / since the beginnings a goddess to us / caring / waiting / and in the now / stays silent / doesn't speak / stays for us watching / lacking justice / and me, utmost nothing knowing / some idols making / deceived / broken down / completely.
[Transliteration: kai en tois men nun chronois / moi panta pragmata dokousi / chalepotata / kakista / kai nun / hê metabaleis' alêtheia / hê ex archôn hêmin thea / mellousa / menousa / kai en tôi nun / sigai / ouk epei / menei hêmin skeptousa / tên dikên deomenê / ouden egô men pan' eidôs / poiêsamenos eidôla tina / apatêtheis / errêchôs / pantapasi]
[2] Proleipsis: death beholding now / and nothing of the things / in the soul now being, / and the things determined so / in the end / they disappear.
[Transliteration: ton toi thanaton oun eidôn / kai ouden tôn pragmatôn / ouk en têi psuchêi oun on - / kai ta pragmata dokoumena / en tôi telôi / apeleusonta]
[3] Surge: rise from the night / to the day and the light / casting off the perturbations / and all the things / cast away / defected / broken down / they are
[4] And shadows catch you
[5] Epos: now then with all the time and the words so obviously clear / making these words in all letters / in all the making mimicking staying in the end now / all the things now saying this in an unseen way / all the humans now saying this in an unseen way / these things sing life and death together / to judge and to talk about this by us appropriately / within all these words and these things / making the song, this one now, about love and depression / and now beginning to see in the making the mimicking
[Transliteration: nun de meth' holon ton chronon kai logous pantapasi dêlous / paraskeuazontes logous de toutous en grammatois holois / holêi têi poiêsi mimêsis menôn to telos enthade / panta ta pragmata nun men lanthanonta legonta tauta / pantes hoi anthrôpoi nun de lanthanontes legontes tauta / tauta ta pragmata bion kai thanaton epousin hama / to hikanôs peri toutou dikazein kai legein hêmin men / entos en pantois tois logois kai pragmatois toutois / epos de houtos per' erôtos mall' athumian poiôn te / kai tên en poiêsi mimêsin nun de horan ham' archômen]
[6] Poiêsis: the creation out of the beginning / now considering / and also the making / performed by men / by us / the one through the times / traded over / to and by us / the one being on earth / by us in the mimicking / the making / has appeared
[Transliteration: tên ex archê genesin / skopeuôn nun / te kai tên poiêsin / tên hyp' anthrôpois / hyph' hêmin / tên kata tous chronous / paraleipomenên / hêmin / tên en gêi parousan / hyph' hêmin en mimêsi / hê poiêsis / de pephantai]
[7] Mimêsis: To look at the truth upon earth / to say it / to believe it / as the greatest / as the most beautiful / as godly / in the letters now / the mimicking according to the making / should now sing, should talk.
[Transliteration: to tên epi gês alêtheian horan men / to tênde de legein / to tênde nomizein / megistên / kallistên / theian / en gar tois grammatois / hê kata poiêsin mimêsis / eipêi nun, legêi]
[8] Poiêsis: And katharsis stays / the sole truth / in the end / from the beginning / with the things explained / in chaos and order / the making / in the mimicking / know. hear. see. / wake.
[Transliteration: kai katharsis menei / hê monê alêtheia / en tôi telôi / ex archês / meta tôn horizomenôn / en tôi chaôi te kai en tôi nomôi / hê poiêsis / en mimêsi / sci. audi. vide. / wake.]

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